My Love Song

Lately I've been getting back into the habit of expressing myself through written word--whether it's blogging, journaling, writing prayers or poetry--I find that I feel most comforted and at peace when I'm writing. Not only that but I learn best when I meditate and write as well. I'd like to share with you a poem/song I wrote a few months ago when my life was in such deep turmoil. I wrote it looking back on all that I had overcome and looking ahead at the wonderful things in store.

My Love Song

I felt so very broken,
As if I were unwhole.
So I searched for missing pieces
To complete my lonely soul.

Although I knew you God,
My struggles still were great.
Constantly tempted to sin,
Turning back far too late.

I walked with you there
In the valley of death.
But did not trust you Lord,
When my faith you did test.

The winds the blew me over.
The skies they darkened black.
The rivers they arose,
With Satan at my back.

And the wind blew harder still,
Bringing me to my knees—
It was there I found you Lord,
It was there I found your peace.

I cried out to you,
For mercy I did plea,
“Deliver me dear Jesus!
My Lord, rescue me!”

The Prince of Peace heard
My brother he answered me.
He gave me the strength I needed
To sail through stormy seas.

The winds and waves they howled,
The father of lies, he hissed.
He tried to make me fall again,
But all his snares did miss.

Let this be my love song,
A true testament of your grace—
Lord, when I did not have the strength,
You equipped me to run the race.

For Jesus, you did prune me,
Of all my fruitless vines.
In Christ Jesus I am rooted
With all His glory divine.

Nurture me and grow me,
My great Immanuel.
You are God of everything,
May my life this story tell.

To Yaweh be the glory
To God and God alone.
I am just a traveler,
This world is not my home.

You’ve set aside a place for me
A home that’s truly mine
When Heaven’s splendor I will see
For all the rest of time.

There will be more storms
Of troubles, I am sure
But Jesus I will follow
My LORD He will endure!

Trust

TRUST—it’s much more than just a four letter word; it’s an action, it’s a feeling. It’s deep and personal. At times it’s easy to do. But once you’ve been burned, it can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Broken trust doesn’t just affect one relationship, but can affect every relationship you will ever have.

 So the question is: once your trust has been destroyed by someone, how can you learn to ever trust anyone again? 

Of course I have struggled with this very problem over the last few months. The issue of trust is on my heart every day. It surges through my brain, racks my body with anxiety and eats away at me. I have come face-to-face with the most devastating realization; that the very closest relationship I’ve ever had was based entirely on lies. 

I won’t go into details about my deteriorated marriage or even my heart breaking divorce. This blog isn’t about him, it’s about me. And up until six months or so ago, he was a part of me—and to some extent he still is—but that part is fading and I am learning how to be just Amanda once again. So like I’ve said before, and will reemphasize now, this blog is about my personal journey, my relationship with Christ. Like an ebbing tide there are highs and lows. I desire to meditate on my struggles and to learn from them and grow in Christ through this personal reflection. Although I might address “you”, I am also addressing myself—talking to myself, if you will—and God is teaching me through this. It is my prayer He is teaching you, too.

 So here I am God, standing amongst the rubble and still smoking ashes of what used to be me, my marriage and my life. You’ve taught me about trials and that sometimes we have to burn back down to the beginning and start over. I know you’ve never hurt me, but the consequences of my own sins and the consequences of someone elses sins have hurt me so deeply that I’m struggling to trust anyone, including you. I know you don’t deserve it. Forgive me for doubting. Teach me to trust you, and others once again. Let no bitterness take root in my heart. My trust was burned in this fire. And like many other things, it has to grow from seed once again. So God I ask you, grow only what is pure, what is good in your site. Make me new in you, and help me to start over. Amen.

 Is this a prayer you can relate to? I know I’m not the only one struggling with trust. Especially us women, when we are hurt we tend to punish everyone for it. I want to walk in love and look forward to a bright future, not wallow in the past and lose great opportunities because I can’t let go of what happened to me. But seriously, how do I trust again?  

I’ve been giving this issue a lot of thought, prayer and study. I think the first step to learning to trust anyone, is learning to trust God. 

Maybe you think you already do. That it’s not God you don’t trust, but other people. I used to think that too, in fact, I used to say that to my husband all the time as an excuse for my behavior and attitude. “It’s not God I don’t trust, it’s you!!” I would scream at the top of my lungs as we fought and argued. And sometimes, that may be the cold hard truth. Maybe you are trusting God but the person you are having a relationship with has been very untrustworthy—but hold on right there! Don’t you dare think for one minute that this lack of trust won’t try to weasel its way into your relationship with your heavenly Father as well! 

When someone has broken your bond of trust you begin to doubt not only your relationship with them but with everyone else around you. If this person was capable of dishonesty and disloyalty—what’s to say everyone else isn’t capable of the same thing? 

The truth is: as human beings we all posses the ability to break each others trust. We are all sinful by nature, we all fall short. (Romans 3:23) On the contrary, God our Father is not even capable of sinning. He isn’t even able to do it. No way, no how. So if God can’t sin, then he can’t break a promise, he can’t be disloyal, he can’t lie, he can’t steal, he can’t cheat, he can’t gossip. God cannot sin! Therefore, if God cannot do these things, then he cannot betray your trust. His word is solid, unchanging. It is real, it is true and a relationship you can always count on. In a fire, God is the base of that tree trunk—the rest of you may burn away but the base is still there, rooted, standing firm and ready to keep on growing.

 So if God is so good, even though our circumstances may not be good, still—how do we learn to trust? Well, we know He cannot sin, and if we dig into the Bible we will see He has a pretty darn good track record of reliability.  

One of my favorite stories—or books, rather—of the Bible is the Exodus, the story of how God delivered His beloved people out of slavery. God’s people had become slaves in Egypt. They were greatly oppressed by Pharaoh. As the years passed, they began to think that their Lord had forgotten them, had forsaken them. They were beaten, killed, mistreated, raped, in danger each day. Little did they know, that as the years passed, God was preparing the path to victory for them. Each day as their spirits were burdened, young Israelite Moses found favor in the kingdom. Until one day God called Moses to plead with Pharaoh and lead his people out of slavery. Finally after devastating and fatal plagues Pharaoh let them go, only to quickly change his mind and chase the Israelites throughout the desert. But even then, God provided great miracles to deliver them from the clutches of the Egyptians. The waters of the seas parted, he guided them as a great cloud during the day, and a fire ball by night; when they were hungry he provided manna from Heaven and quail for them to eat—through every storm, every trial, every heartbreak, through slavery and even 40 years spent wandering in the desert—Yahweh, the great I AM provided for his beloved chosen people. When they questioned him, when they turned away from him—he still loved them, he brought them back, he reminded them about his goodness and mercy.

This story always makes me cry. I love the Exodus. I love to see the promises fulfilled. When I read how quickly the Israelites turned against God even after he had just delivered them from slavery, I am reminded of myself. How quickly after a trial do I forget my grief and pain? How quickly we fall back into the sins that got us where we were—and yet, God our father loves us so deeply, so truly, so faithfully, so completely and utterly unconditionally that he continually goes as far as it takes, even forty years in a desert, even death on a cross—to show us, that no matter the situation, our great God provides!

Can I get an AMEN?!

This is only one example of God keeping His word; of God pouring out mercy, love and compassion; of God healing the broken when sin had left them in chains. You see, even when we get ourselves in bad situations, or when others lead us into bad circumstances and bad things happen to us—God goes out of His way to bring us back to Him. 

So we can see throughout history that God’s word is good-you can take Him to the bank, so to speak—but STILL, how come it is so hard to trust Him? He won’t let you down, he won’t hurt you. It doesn’t mean that hard times won’t come and it doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt. But it is imperative to understand that when you are hurt—it’s not God’s fault. It might be our own, it might be someone else’s, it might just be an accident, but you can rest assured that you can trust in God. 

Let’s think about trust—what is it? Well, in order to trust someone, you have to let them in. You have to give them a piece of you; whether it’s deep and personal or something simple, you have to let them in. And once you’ve been hurt and betrayed it becomes really hard to let someone in. But you can’t live your life in loneliness and punish yourself (and everyone else) because of the hurt you once experienced. You have to allow yourself to become vulnerable. And by letting someone in, not only are you allowing them to get closer to you—but you also relinquish a measure of control.  

Ahhh…so that’s where the real root of distrust lies—in our eternal struggle to be in control. You see, we were never meant to be in control, God is in control! And yet we constantly struggle, trying to grasp what is already in His hand. We worry, we stress, we lose sleep, we become depressed, we struggle. And every time we do one of these things, what we are really saying is, “God, I don’t trust you to take care of this situation, so I’m taking it into my own hands.” And because we try to take from God what we can’t—we struggle.

So if you are ready to turn your life around—to trust God—to let Him in, to find relief from your suffering, then you must let go of the rope and stop pulling in this losing battle of tug-a-war. Stop trying to snatch what is firmly in God’s grasp! Relinquish control, surrender to God. Then and only then will you even begin to break down the walls you’ve built around your heart and let Him—and everyone else—in.  

You can trust God—you can let Him in and tell Him anything and everything. By trusting God to be in control of your life you will be able to take small steps in trusting others again too. Practice discernment and be wary of the people that you trust—but never ever worry about trusting God. He made you, He knows you and He will not hurt you. He loves you, and unlike the world—His love is unconditional.  

Even little children sing and understand that after all…He’s got the whole world in His hands!

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

Rise From The Ashes

Imagine a gloriously peaceful and beautiful forest. The tall, tall trees are growing close together, creating shade and cool weather. The birds are chirping and the deer scamper to a billowing creek for a fresh drink. Plump berries are growing from thorny bushes for big bears to snack on. Old trees are dying and new ones are growing. It’s a complete circle of life, created by God’s hands. 

One particularly hot and sticky day, a ray of sunshine pours down through the thick foliage and rests upon a dried crunchy leaf. In the flash of an eye the once dehydrated leaf is now ablaze in a red hot fury. The leaves around it catch fire, then twigs, fallen branches and trees. In a matter of minutes the once serene forest is now in panic, fighting for life. The birds have all flown away in a giant mass of ruffling feathers. All manner of woodland creatures are running as fast as they can. 

The fire only grows hotter, spreading faster and completely out of control. Smoke billows from the tree tops, blackening the sky with despair. It seems utterly hopeless. The fire runs out of fuel and slowly the flames begin to die down. The forest is now left smoldering—nothing but heaps of charred ashes and coals. Lifeless. 

Or is it? 

You may not know this, but in the great circle of life, fires are essential. You see, even the plants know that sometimes you must burn down to the beginning and rebuild. I learned this lesson once while on a vacation to Mount Lassen. The park ranger told us about the importance of forest fires. You see, over time the forest grows and multiplies, all the while trees are dying, falling and creating all sorts of debris on the forest floor. This dead brush chokes out the nutrients and life and prevents new growth from happening. Eventually a fire will erupt, and when the once lively forest is left a blackened pile of ash, the most glorious thing happens. In an otherwise tragic act of destruction, nature renews the burned remains and allows the ashes to act as fertilizer, a building foundation for an even healthier and more beautiful forest to come. Out of the hopeless ashes spring an even more glorious life.

Now that’s amazing.

When I think about my life and the fires that are raging out of control, I am reminded of the peaceful forest ablaze. While seemingly tragic, the fire is followed by re-growth, and a better life is able to happen—but not until the forest has been burned down to its core.  Now that’s a metaphor, if I do say so myself!

 God can rebuild us from the ashes, just as He designed nature to do so; He also designed our lives in this manner. Trials will come, of that there is no doubt. Fires will rage in our lives—whether small brush fires, or ten alarm fires that burn us to our core—fires are a part of life.

But unlike the plants of the ground—we have been blessed with free will. We have a choice to consider—when fires erupt in our lives, how will we react? Do you see the fire as a hopeless situation, or do you wait optimistically to see what good will come of it? When standing in the middle of the forest, while everything you love and cherish dearly is being burned to the ground—what will you do? How will you allow this to change you? After you are left standing in a bewildering mess of smoke and ash, what do you do?

Nature is a great example of what you should do during a fire, and after a fire. God even tells us in His word to take hope in our hopeless situations. Remember this, my beloved friends: “Everything works together for the good of those that love the Lord.” (Romans 8:28) Without fires, nature comes to a stand still—fires are essential to growth, both in nature, and in our lives.

The Apostle Paul tells us to expect trials, and to see them as great opportunities. “² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1: 2-4) 

Paul knew pain, he was chained and imprisoned. He wasn’t just going through one fire, he was going through multiple—maybe you are too. Maybe you are surrounded by the most painful and heart wrenching situations. But even still—can you see the good? Perhaps you can’t see it yet, my friend, but set your mind and spirit, and trust that good things will come. These fires of life may burn you to the ground, but they grow you as well. Hold on to God and His promises. On your own, you cannot defeat this fire. It is only by His will, through His grace and mercy, and by His strength, that you will be able to overcome. Cling to Him, and allow Him to burn the dead brush from your life and rebuild you. The more fires, the more growth. The more you can withstand and you will persevere through the heat. Let the fires run their course so that you may grow.

I have come to know pain. My life is a forest ablaze. I am tragically and beautifully wounded, but my wounds by no means match those that Jesus Christ endured whilst laying His life down so that I may have life everlasting. I am being burned down to my core, but I refuse to be shaken. I refuse to let anger and bitterness consume me and prevent me from growing. I refuse to continually rip the scabs from my wounds, reopening them and preventing them from healing. Life is a cycle, and with Yahweh, I shall continue—I chose to persevere. 

Photo property of Laponiapictures.com

Precious friends, do not let the fires of this life burn you out. Rather, like the trees and flowers of the forest, rise from the ashes and grow. Like charred tree stumps, your fires may leave you scarred, but do not allow them to hinder your growth—no my beloved, allow your scarred base to remind you of how very far you have come. 

Again, I urge you; do not let the flames of this life consume you. This is only the beginning, you were made for so much more. Fires do not last forever, they burn out and allow for healing. Get up, call on the name of the Lord, rise from these ashes, and grow.

 This song "Rise" by Shawn McDonald has been on my heart, and inspired this blog. To listen to the song, click the YouTube video below.

Fear

I have a very specific memory that is rooted in my mind. From time to time it surfaces with such clarity that I feel as if I am reliving the moment. This memory has to do with my worst fear: the one thing that would cause me to unravel at a moment's notice, to lose composure and become a wreck.

I was in the sixth grade, a tween of only twelve years. I recall sitting with my best girl friends in class. We were passing around a very special book. Each friend could fill out a profile with fun and informative facts about themselves. Such as: favorite color, favorite food, secret crush (everyone’s was a boy named Kyle), birthday, etc. One of the questions was, “Your worst fear”.

Even at such a young age I remember having a maturity that most of my other friends didn’t yet possess. As I read through my friends’ answers they were all repetitious, “spiders”, “heights”, “getting my period”. But I, on the other hand, was afraid of something much, much deeper. Something intangible.

So what was my worst fear, you ask? My worst fear…is being alone.

Not alone for a few hours, no, I rather enjoy quiet time to myself. No, even as a tween, my worst fear was that I would grow up and be lonely. That I would end up an unwedded woman in an empty house, with heart full of love and no one to give it to…completely lonely. 

Quite different from my classmates indeed.

This fear has gripped me and has had an ugly hold on my heart ever since then. I have always feared a lonely life. Not having someone to divulge my heart and soul to. Not having someone to hold at night, to cry on, to laugh with…to love.

And yet, here I sit, in the very predicament that I feared my whole life. 

Isn’t it funny how God can use the toughest and most trying ordeals to teach us amazing things about ourselves…about Him? Well, through all of this, God has taught me a cornucopia of valuable lessons. Through this trial, the Lord has confronted me about my worst fear, about my sin.

That’s right, fear is a sin. Now just to be clear fear and being scared are two very separate things. Fear is something deeply rooted, something that is long lasting, long term. Whereas being scared is momentary, it is fleeting. Being scared is not a sin. We are all scared from time to time. But it is when we allow those things that scare us to take root, and grow in our hearts and transform into monsters and become fear—then we have crossed the line into sin territory.

So how is fear a sin? It says in God’s word (the Bible) that “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18). 

We know that “God is love” (1 John 4:8), and true, perfect Godly love is defined quite poetically (even if now cliché) in 1 Corinthians 13:4-13…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…⁸ Love never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Let’s do an exercise. Read that scripture again, only this time replace the words “love” and “it” with “God”, because we know that God IS love. Go ahead; re-read it, I’ll wait…

“Love God is patient, love God is kind. It God does not envy, it God does not boast, it God is not proud. ⁵ It God does not dishonor others, it God is not self-seeking, it God is not easily angered, it God keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… ⁸ Love God never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love God. But the greatest of these is love God.”

…Did it sound different that time? Let’s do the same thing with the verse from 1 John 4:18… 

“There is no fear in love God. But perfect love God casts out fear…”

There is no fear in God. So…are you in God? Not just reading the Bible, not just praying, and not just believing, but are you walking and trusting and loving God in the same manner that Corinthians says you should be? 

I know I wasn’t before this great trial came into my life. I had surrendered certain things to the Lord. I had given him many things, laid them down in order to follow Him. But my fear? How could I surrender something so intangible, something so deeply rooted in the depths of my being, of who I am? Something so incredibly personal?

 

Well God wants it all. Not just parts of you. Not just the pretty things. He wants the good, the bad, the ugly. But why? Why would I need to give up my fear, why should He care? 

Because fear was holding me back from a closer relationship with my great Creator.

When I feared loneliness, it meant that I wasn’t trusting the Lord to provide for me. It meant that I was taking my future into my own hands instead of having the faith to know that He won’t leave me high and dry. When I was fearing loneliness and crying because I don’t have a husband by my side—I was telling God that He wasn’t good enough for me.

 

Wow, what an ugly, horrible statement! What a slap in the face to someone who has bent over backwards and gave over His Son so that I could have freedom! Lord, forgive me for trespassing against you!

This epiphany has truly changed my heart! Lord, carry me through my loneliness, grant me peace and fulfillment to enjoy the cup you’ve given to me. And should you chose that my future be a future of solitude, grant me the patience and contentment to enjoy it, and to live for your glory!

I used to have many fears. I can look them all in the eye now, without trembling, without sadness or tears. I have put my faith, hope and love in Jesus—I have handed him the deed to my life, signed my will over to His Will. I entrust to Him every dark corner of my life as well as every glorious success. You can have it all, Lord Jesus. For when I surrender myself to You, I find an overwhelming sense of peace that gives me strength.

So what is your worst fear? What grip does it have on your life? Are you ready to hand it over to the Lord? He is willing to bear your burden and trade your fear for peace, if only you release your grasp and surrender unto Him…

 

A Fresh Start

Today was a great day. A tough day, but nevertheless an incredibly blessed day. The Lord has provided for me in so many ways--I can see His hand in everything I do. It is for this reason that I can have confidence through trials, joy in pain, and can grow stronger in my walk with Christ even when my world is crumbling.

My friends, for those of you who do not know, I am going through a separation from my husband. I have lost my very best friend in the whole entire world. The one person who knows me in and out, who has been there through my greatest accomplishments and my worst losses. He has held my hand and has always been there for me, and I for him. But this time, we cannot be together. You see, my precious, beautiful husband is struggling with a devastating addiction. He is a slave to a substance much stronger than him. Please pray for my husband, for his recovery and repentance. I pray only the best for him, despite what he has done to me. I love him not only as a wife, but as a sister in Christ. I have the utmost compassion for him and desire for him to be restored to the Lord, and for his life to become an amazing testimony.

I must not get caught up in the past. Nor can I allow myself to be swept away by the present pain I am experiencing. I must look ahead, and strive for the future.  "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13, 14 NIV) I do not know what God has in store for me, what He has planned. But I do know that I spent countless nights alone, crying on my knees and begging the Lord to hear me and have mercy.

This is not what I had in mind—but then again, what I have in mind is rarely what God has planned—which is always for the best! God knows far better than me! I give Him thanks and praise for having mercy on me, for taking pity, for hearing my cries and pain and wanting a better life for me. Not only for me but for my beloved husband as well. The Lord brought to light his sins because he does not want to see him deteriorate any further. God wants the best for both of us. Of this I can be sure, and for this I am forever thankful.

Please pray for us, and have confidence knowing that God hears our prayers and answers them. 

Thank you, precious Lord for hearing my cries of desperation. Thank for you for seeing what I cannot and for revealing the darkness so that Your light can shine ever brighter. Thank you for growing me, and my husband. Turn our lives and allow us to grow stronger. I pray no matter what, that Your will would be done. Give me strength on the days when I have none left. Give me peace on the nights that I cry instead of sleep. Heal my husband, my best friend, bring him back to You. In Jesus name, Amen.

This is not the end. Although everything is falling apart, I know the Lord will rebuild everything is much more glorious ways. This is only the beginning, a brand new beginning—a fresh start.