Love Is Real

I recently wrote a letter to the Pastors and Elders of my church to express my gratitude to them for all they have done for me in the last year, and to share with them all that God has taught me through this very painful time. It was a hard letter to write, but the Holy Spirit granted me the words of my heart. 

After receiving my letter, the pastors called me in tears and asked if I would share my letter with the church on Sunday. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am one of those weirdos that actually enjoys public speaking. But there's something about the pulpit, our large congregation, and bearing my soul that made my palms sweat, my voice quiver and my stomach nauseas.

I walked, knees knocking, up to the stage and before I even began speaking, I was in tears. I read my letter, and sobbed the whole time. It's been a long, hard road, and it's not over. I'm still journeying this path and going through so much. It's difficult to expose your true weaknesses to so many people. But when you do--such a rewarding thing happens--people rally around you, support you, and most importantly: they understand you in a real and true manner. You see, the most impactful thing we can do for Christ is share boldly what He has done for us. Testimonies, emotion, REAL life experiences are what touch hearts and souls. So as hard as it was, it was also incredibly wonderful.

I would like to share my letter with you as well. I hope that it inspires you. I pray that the Spirit would touch your heart. If you are broken or going through a tough time--I hope you will understand what I have gone through, having discovered my husband's alcoholism and addiction to crystal meth (among many other things) and then going through a divorce as he chose to leave me. I want to use my pain to show you that God can heal you too. If He could bring me through this, He can certainly bring you through too...

(Below is my letter)

Dear Pastors,

              I would like to humbly express my gratitude for all of your prayers and love for me throughout this past year. It has been by far the toughest season of my life and still continues to be a daily struggle. As I reflect on the last year and all that the Lord has brought me through, I cannot keep my heart from singing His praise, even through my tears. He has held me together in every moment. He has heard each prayer, wiped away every tear and filled every lonely void in my heart. His presence in my life is undeniable; and, although I have never felt so broken and hurt, I have also never felt so incredibly loved and fulfilled. To the world this makes no sense, but to my soul that has found peace in Christ—nothing has ever been so perfectly clear. Jesus can make anyone whole—even when so many pieces are missing—because He himself is able to become those missing pieces. When I thought I had lost it all, I discovered that I had all I needed in Christ Jesus, the lover of soul, my brother and best friend. It brings me to tears all over again, but this time, they are tears of joy.

              When my husband left me I was, and still am, devastated. As things progressively got worse I began to think that love was a lie; that all I had known about love was untrue. I began to question God’s love. Many people who I thought would be there for me weren't. They didn’t call, or write, or check on me. It was too much drama, too much to handle, too much work. They didn’t know what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all.
            We read that God is love, and that God sent His Son who died for us, and through this we can see His love. We read it, and try our best to believe it. But it’s not until someone shows us, and we experience God’s true love that we actually believe it.

            I want to thank you, and the saints of our amazing church, for showing me what true, Godly, Christ-like love really is. When I had given up on love, God demonstrated His love all around me, through so many people in our church. I received calls, letters, cards, e-mails, visits and more from people who loved me—even people I didn’t know. They wanted me to know that they love me, and more importantly, that God loves me.  Many shared their experiences with me and I began to realize that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through. Even those who didn’t understand what I was going through still knew what to say to me, because they know God’s word.

            I understand now why in James it says to have joy in trials; I understand now how trials create perseverance, hope and faith. When everything fell apart I knew there were two paths before me: I could allow this tragedy to break me and ruin everything, or I could hold fast to Christ and allow it to strengthen me and mold me. It’s obvious what the right path is, but walking it is another story.

            I cannot praise God enough for the love and strength I have found at Rockville Bible Church. You have prayed for me and with me. You have cried for me, and with me. My brothers and sisters made sure I didn’t fall away. Words could never express how God used Mike and Stephanie to change my life and draw me closer to Him. They showed me more love than I have ever known and they refused to let me fall away. My heart overflows with gratitude and sings a new song because of the love I have been shown.

            My friends, family and coworkers kept saying things to me like, “I’m so amazed at how well you’re doing,” and, “How are you getting through this?”

            In December, I came to the church for a movie night and watched Louie Giglio’s sermon “Hope When Life Hurts Most”. It sounded like something I needed to hear. In his sermon he said that the trials in our lives are like megaphones to the world. The way we react tells everyone around us a story. I began to think about my story, and what it’s telling the people around me. I thought about how people kept telling me how good I was doing despite the circumstances. And even though I felt so broken, I realized that God was being glorified through my brokenness. And I came to accept and be thankful for this heartbreak, because through my pain, people were seeing God’s great love moving. They saw love as real thing, able to heal hearts and mend broken lives. I began to finally understand Jesus’ pain, and why He would willingly lay down His own life.

I finally understand that great, great love; the love that glorifies the Father and speaks to the hearts of men through pain and struggles. My life is a megaphone and my trials are not just speaking they are yelling to everyone around me that GOD is bigger than my broken heart, that He has saved me and held me together—and in the end, that makes every fallen tear and every lonely night worth it.

            I praise God for His mercies. I can truly sing now, “This is the day that the LORD has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!” Not only can I sing it, but I actually mean it.

            I am still in so much pain and my heart is still broken. I am still haunted by my broken marriage and crushed by this divorce, but I know now that Jesus is more than enough for me. I read a church sign recently that said “Smooth seas don’t make for skilled sailors,” and I couldn’t stop laughing—because now I understand and am thankful for stormy seas. In my pain and sorrow I have come to know the Lord’s truth and love. Have I mentioned that I’m thankful? Because I just can’t stop saying it! Thank you!!! I love you!

            Even after all these months when others have stopped calling and have forgotten my pain—my brothers and sisters have remained faithful in checking on me and praying for me. As I journey down this path, please continue to pray for me, as I experience the highs and lows and depressions of this trial. I ask also that you to not stop praying for Valentin. Despite all of the pain he has caused, please do not become embittered. I urge you to love and to pray without ceasing for him; having faith that the Lord loves his prodigal son and is awaiting his return.

            I thank you again for showing me such love and grace, and praise God for the work He is doing through you and your ministry. I pray for you often and will continue to do so. Praise God for broken hearts and healed souls; praise God from whom all blessings flow.

            In Christ’s Love,

           

            Amanda

Click here to listen online to the great sermon Pastor Rich gave afterwards about Serving One Another In Love.

My Love Song

Lately I've been getting back into the habit of expressing myself through written word--whether it's blogging, journaling, writing prayers or poetry--I find that I feel most comforted and at peace when I'm writing. Not only that but I learn best when I meditate and write as well. I'd like to share with you a poem/song I wrote a few months ago when my life was in such deep turmoil. I wrote it looking back on all that I had overcome and looking ahead at the wonderful things in store.

My Love Song

I felt so very broken,
As if I were unwhole.
So I searched for missing pieces
To complete my lonely soul.

Although I knew you God,
My struggles still were great.
Constantly tempted to sin,
Turning back far too late.

I walked with you there
In the valley of death.
But did not trust you Lord,
When my faith you did test.

The winds the blew me over.
The skies they darkened black.
The rivers they arose,
With Satan at my back.

And the wind blew harder still,
Bringing me to my knees—
It was there I found you Lord,
It was there I found your peace.

I cried out to you,
For mercy I did plea,
“Deliver me dear Jesus!
My Lord, rescue me!”

The Prince of Peace heard
My brother he answered me.
He gave me the strength I needed
To sail through stormy seas.

The winds and waves they howled,
The father of lies, he hissed.
He tried to make me fall again,
But all his snares did miss.

Let this be my love song,
A true testament of your grace—
Lord, when I did not have the strength,
You equipped me to run the race.

For Jesus, you did prune me,
Of all my fruitless vines.
In Christ Jesus I am rooted
With all His glory divine.

Nurture me and grow me,
My great Immanuel.
You are God of everything,
May my life this story tell.

To Yaweh be the glory
To God and God alone.
I am just a traveler,
This world is not my home.

You’ve set aside a place for me
A home that’s truly mine
When Heaven’s splendor I will see
For all the rest of time.

There will be more storms
Of troubles, I am sure
But Jesus I will follow
My LORD He will endure!

Pruning

I’ve been slowly reading an amazing devotional book called “Secrets of The Vine” by Bruce Wilkinson. It focuses on the scriptures found in John 15 where Jesus uses a grape vine as an illustration to describe how God has to prune us in order that we may produce even more fruit.

Here is the scripture, and below are some excerpts from the book. They have been an incredible encouragement to me and have helped me to understand why I am going through this trial…

John 15The Vine and the Branches

 ¹ “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

   ⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

(The following excerpts are taken from pages 78-87 of “Secrets of the Vine”.)

Mature pruning is God’s way of helping you put into practice His command to “seek first the kingdom of God.” This is why God will always prune those things that we slavishly seek first, love most, and begrudge giving up. Again, His goal isn’t to plunder or harm, but to liberate us so that we can pursue our true desire—His kingdom.

This kind of pruning goes beyond rearranging priorities to the heart of what defines us—the people we love, the possessions we cling to, our deep sense of personal rights. These are the very arenas God must rule if we are to bear fruit…

…God may be asking you to give up your “right” to be married, to have children, or to achieve a particular kind of success. God may be inviting you to follow Christ without the support of your closest family members—possibly even enduring their hatred and rejection because of your faith. If so, He is pruning closely to what really matters to you—not to take something good from you, but to become Lord of all you desire…

…We go through long seasons in our faith walk when we’re unable to answer questions like Why? and How long? We only know Who—our loving Father—and He has proven worthy of our trust. He asks us to let go of reasons, of rights, of fears, and simply throw our arms around His neck. At those times we can pray: “Father, I’m hanging on to You. You can do whatever You want. Just carry me through.”…

…The prize at stake here is your God-given need for a sense of worth and purpose. For Abraham, it was his miracle son, Isaac. For Gideon, it was his large army. What is it for you? ...

…Here is a testimony to the goal of mature pruning: that you will finally be so surrendered to God that everything you now love dearly—even worthy activities and goals—will be let go into God’s sovereign keeping. What remains in your grip is one passion, one goal, one unhindered opportunity: to bear more fruit.

The truth is, Christians who have experienced deep pruning don’t focus on what is left behind anyway. They’re given to courageous, hope-filled, forward-straining prayers on the order of this one from author John Piper: “Lord, let me make a difference for you that is utterly disproportionate to who I am.”…

…I am not inviting you to ask for pruning. Trials will come. The question is simply whether or not you will let the purposeful pruning of God do its work in you, or let it go to waste.

In pruning, how you respond makes all the difference. You can complain, rebel, compromise, or run away. Or you can experience the joy, comfort, and rest that come to disciples who keep their eyes on the prize, not the pain. Listen to Peter describe how some Christians in his day were triumphing in the middle of severe testing:

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory.” (1 Peter 1:6-8)

I am definitely being pruned, and I pray that I may grow stronger and be able to produce more fruit through this trial, and that God would be glorified.

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul!

With love,

Amanda Q

This song has been stuck in my head all day. It's called "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things,
you make beautiful things out of us."

Click here to here the song on YouTube.

Suffocating

Today I feel like I’m suffocating. My lungs are working, air is filtering in and out of my body—in every sense I am breathing; and yet, I am suffocating.

Physical pain just doesn’t compare to emotional pain. I am a broken person. My heart has been shattered, leaving shard remains to further inflict pain and misery.

Wow, that was depressing wasn’t it? What happened to the “encouraging” message of my blog? Well, like I’ve told you before—this blog isn’t for you, it’s for me. So hold tight with me while I release some of the agonizing pain that I am in.

Photo from http://navneet023.wordpress.com/
2009/08/08/so-are-you-suffocating/

Pain can be a good thing…if you let it be. I am broken now, but I won’t always be, unless I continually dwell on my brokenness and feel hopeless and don’t try to make things better. No, I refuse to be a victim any longer, and I refuse to be a victim of my own broken heart.

It may take a while. The pain is something I must experience in order to be able to grow stronger. But I won’t let this defeat me. I won’t let this ruin everything I have worked for. I am still beautiful, I am still strong, I am still successful, I am still loved, and I am still a child of the Most High God!

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know where my relationship will go. I know what I want, but I don’t know what GOD has in store…and maybe it’s better that way! But I do know that “Everything works together for the good of them that love the Lord.” (Romans 8:28) 

I must take baby steps. One day at a time. I must keep my eyes pointed upwards and my prayers constant. Just like physical wounds, emotional wounds will heal with time too…so long as I don’t keep ripping off the scab and causing it to bleed. 

So I’m taking a deep breath, gathering myself, and saying a prayer. I pray that if you have ever felt this way, or are feeling this way, that God would give the strength you need to make it through. I pray God will heal our hearts. Most of all, I pray God will make a way through this endless dessert of depression. 

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul.

With love,

Amanda Q

p.s. This song is a great encouragement! Take a listen my friends :)

Mr. Talkbox "Everything Works Together"