Making The Grade Is Not Enough

One sunny morning two weeks ago I awoke early with a cheerful disposition. (This may seem normal to you but the words “early” and “cheerful” along with “morning” are about as rare as a blue moon in my life.) “Today is the day!” I said with a smile as I jumped out of bed. “Today is the day I will go down to the courthouse and close this chapter of my life!” So I got dressed and skipped my way downtown. I prayed all the way, “God I know you’ve drawn this divorce process out for a purpose, but I am praying boldly and faithfully that you will wrap this up…today!”

I turned a corner to get in line for some free legal help. After nearly two hours in line my sunny disposition had not changed. I was so hopeful. I stepped up to the counter, explained my situation to a quizzical woman. She took my paperwork and came back a few minutes later. “I’m so sorry,” she said as my heart sank, “but the only person who can guide you in this matter is on vacation. I’m afraid you’ll have to come back in two weeks.”

My fellow divorcees in line looked at me with such sad faces “We’re so sorry!” they said, hoping for better for themselves. “It’s okay,” I told them, “what’s two more weeks?” But as I walked away down the hall, with each clickety clack of my heels, my heart was singing a much less hopeful song. “But God I was so sure, and I prayed with boldness like you word tells me to. I’ve done the things you’ve asked me to. My heart has changed. I’ve learned contentment. I’ve been sharing your love with others. I just don’t understand.”

Friend, I’d like to tell you that I’ve had a divine revelation in the last two weeks—but I haven’t. I’d like to say I know exactly why God is holding this back still—but I don’t. But you know what? That’s okay—really, I mean it—it’s okay! God has taught me about loving Him, following Him faithfully, being content and being patient. Through this last year He has taught me these things and maybe, just maybe, He is testing my faith to see whether or not I will walk the walk. It’s one thing to study hard and regurgitate the right answers on the test—but months later, do you still remember what you learned in class, can you apply it to your life and actually use it? Or did you just study enough to get by, and now all that time spent in class was a complete waste because you don’t remember a thing?

There it is! Did you catch that? There it is! The revelation I have been searching for—it’s not enough to simply pass the test—no, we must continually study and put into use what we have learned, lest we completely forget it and have to go through the class and test again. I am reminded of a scripture in the book of James, chapter one, verses 22-25. “²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.”

I’m in tears, God is so good. He is a perfect Teacher. He doesn’t just want us to get good grades; He wants us to actually use the wisdom He gives us. He doesn’t want us to continually struggle with the same things over and over. He desires for us to blossom and grow, to produce fruit, to move on to the next class.

I have my prerequisites for life; I have passed the beginners class. But do I remember enough from it to pass the next?

I know that this is about walking in faith, about persevering through long suffering and continuing to be hopeful and have faith. Like Jesus said, ⁹ “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (Luke 11:9). Jesus says don’t give up! Keep going, no matter how many times you have to pound on the door, eventually someone will get up and open it!

As I read Luke 11:9 and I prepare to go again to court I am reminded of the story Jesus shared about the persistent widow in Luke 18: Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. ² He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. ³ And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

⁴ “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

⁶ And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. ⁷ And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? ⁸ I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly…

You know what I really love about that scripture? The part that says the purpose of the story Jesus shared was to encourage His disciples to “always pray and not give up.” You see, faith is easy when you get what you want. But it’s a heck of a lot more challenging when every door you try to open is locked. But don’t be discouraged! Jesus wants us to use what we learned, to continue to walk in faith, to keep knocking, to keep seeking, to “prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness and our sincere love…” (2 Cor. 6:6).

Lord, I pray that I will remember Your Word and all that You have taught me and brought me through. I know that the greatest way to remember is to continually read my Bible and pray. Forgive me for being lazy and not studying enough. Help me Lord to be successful in this longsuffering—to keep knocking, to keep seeking—knowing that You will deliver justice to me. I know that every day and every moment has a purpose. I know that all things are working together. You are God, I am not. When I prayed for you to wrap things up “today” what I was really saying was “wrap this up my way”. Forgive me Lord, may Your will be done, not mine. For I know that You have used this to make me new. So now my God I pray, please wrap this up Your way. However long it takes or whatever I have to do—I know it’s in your hands. I don’t need to worry. You will deliver me. I have faith and I boldly pray that you will go before me. Please set me free and help me to move on. But more than anything Lord, use this time in my life to draw me close to you—no matter the cost.

So I will keep knocking and seeking for my God has told me that He will ensure justice for me, and quickly—and wouldn’t you know it, my two weeks is almost over…

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul!

Love,

Amanda

Love Is Real

I recently wrote a letter to the Pastors and Elders of my church to express my gratitude to them for all they have done for me in the last year, and to share with them all that God has taught me through this very painful time. It was a hard letter to write, but the Holy Spirit granted me the words of my heart. 

After receiving my letter, the pastors called me in tears and asked if I would share my letter with the church on Sunday. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am one of those weirdos that actually enjoys public speaking. But there's something about the pulpit, our large congregation, and bearing my soul that made my palms sweat, my voice quiver and my stomach nauseas.

I walked, knees knocking, up to the stage and before I even began speaking, I was in tears. I read my letter, and sobbed the whole time. It's been a long, hard road, and it's not over. I'm still journeying this path and going through so much. It's difficult to expose your true weaknesses to so many people. But when you do--such a rewarding thing happens--people rally around you, support you, and most importantly: they understand you in a real and true manner. You see, the most impactful thing we can do for Christ is share boldly what He has done for us. Testimonies, emotion, REAL life experiences are what touch hearts and souls. So as hard as it was, it was also incredibly wonderful.

I would like to share my letter with you as well. I hope that it inspires you. I pray that the Spirit would touch your heart. If you are broken or going through a tough time--I hope you will understand what I have gone through, having discovered my husband's alcoholism and addiction to crystal meth (among many other things) and then going through a divorce as he chose to leave me. I want to use my pain to show you that God can heal you too. If He could bring me through this, He can certainly bring you through too...

(Below is my letter)

Dear Pastors,

              I would like to humbly express my gratitude for all of your prayers and love for me throughout this past year. It has been by far the toughest season of my life and still continues to be a daily struggle. As I reflect on the last year and all that the Lord has brought me through, I cannot keep my heart from singing His praise, even through my tears. He has held me together in every moment. He has heard each prayer, wiped away every tear and filled every lonely void in my heart. His presence in my life is undeniable; and, although I have never felt so broken and hurt, I have also never felt so incredibly loved and fulfilled. To the world this makes no sense, but to my soul that has found peace in Christ—nothing has ever been so perfectly clear. Jesus can make anyone whole—even when so many pieces are missing—because He himself is able to become those missing pieces. When I thought I had lost it all, I discovered that I had all I needed in Christ Jesus, the lover of soul, my brother and best friend. It brings me to tears all over again, but this time, they are tears of joy.

              When my husband left me I was, and still am, devastated. As things progressively got worse I began to think that love was a lie; that all I had known about love was untrue. I began to question God’s love. Many people who I thought would be there for me weren't. They didn’t call, or write, or check on me. It was too much drama, too much to handle, too much work. They didn’t know what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all.
            We read that God is love, and that God sent His Son who died for us, and through this we can see His love. We read it, and try our best to believe it. But it’s not until someone shows us, and we experience God’s true love that we actually believe it.

            I want to thank you, and the saints of our amazing church, for showing me what true, Godly, Christ-like love really is. When I had given up on love, God demonstrated His love all around me, through so many people in our church. I received calls, letters, cards, e-mails, visits and more from people who loved me—even people I didn’t know. They wanted me to know that they love me, and more importantly, that God loves me.  Many shared their experiences with me and I began to realize that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through. Even those who didn’t understand what I was going through still knew what to say to me, because they know God’s word.

            I understand now why in James it says to have joy in trials; I understand now how trials create perseverance, hope and faith. When everything fell apart I knew there were two paths before me: I could allow this tragedy to break me and ruin everything, or I could hold fast to Christ and allow it to strengthen me and mold me. It’s obvious what the right path is, but walking it is another story.

            I cannot praise God enough for the love and strength I have found at Rockville Bible Church. You have prayed for me and with me. You have cried for me, and with me. My brothers and sisters made sure I didn’t fall away. Words could never express how God used Mike and Stephanie to change my life and draw me closer to Him. They showed me more love than I have ever known and they refused to let me fall away. My heart overflows with gratitude and sings a new song because of the love I have been shown.

            My friends, family and coworkers kept saying things to me like, “I’m so amazed at how well you’re doing,” and, “How are you getting through this?”

            In December, I came to the church for a movie night and watched Louie Giglio’s sermon “Hope When Life Hurts Most”. It sounded like something I needed to hear. In his sermon he said that the trials in our lives are like megaphones to the world. The way we react tells everyone around us a story. I began to think about my story, and what it’s telling the people around me. I thought about how people kept telling me how good I was doing despite the circumstances. And even though I felt so broken, I realized that God was being glorified through my brokenness. And I came to accept and be thankful for this heartbreak, because through my pain, people were seeing God’s great love moving. They saw love as real thing, able to heal hearts and mend broken lives. I began to finally understand Jesus’ pain, and why He would willingly lay down His own life.

I finally understand that great, great love; the love that glorifies the Father and speaks to the hearts of men through pain and struggles. My life is a megaphone and my trials are not just speaking they are yelling to everyone around me that GOD is bigger than my broken heart, that He has saved me and held me together—and in the end, that makes every fallen tear and every lonely night worth it.

            I praise God for His mercies. I can truly sing now, “This is the day that the LORD has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!” Not only can I sing it, but I actually mean it.

            I am still in so much pain and my heart is still broken. I am still haunted by my broken marriage and crushed by this divorce, but I know now that Jesus is more than enough for me. I read a church sign recently that said “Smooth seas don’t make for skilled sailors,” and I couldn’t stop laughing—because now I understand and am thankful for stormy seas. In my pain and sorrow I have come to know the Lord’s truth and love. Have I mentioned that I’m thankful? Because I just can’t stop saying it! Thank you!!! I love you!

            Even after all these months when others have stopped calling and have forgotten my pain—my brothers and sisters have remained faithful in checking on me and praying for me. As I journey down this path, please continue to pray for me, as I experience the highs and lows and depressions of this trial. I ask also that you to not stop praying for Valentin. Despite all of the pain he has caused, please do not become embittered. I urge you to love and to pray without ceasing for him; having faith that the Lord loves his prodigal son and is awaiting his return.

            I thank you again for showing me such love and grace, and praise God for the work He is doing through you and your ministry. I pray for you often and will continue to do so. Praise God for broken hearts and healed souls; praise God from whom all blessings flow.

            In Christ’s Love,

           

            Amanda

Click here to listen online to the great sermon Pastor Rich gave afterwards about Serving One Another In Love.

The End of Your Rope

I have been so incredibly stressed lately.

You see, my best friend and I have had to move in with my parents during this rather rough transitional period in our lives. It’s not ideal, but we are so very grateful to have a loving family that would take us in—emotional baggage and all. Even though my days are like a roller coaster and the healing process has been hard; I think I’m taking it better than my poor Leila. (By now, I should tell you that Leila is my six-year old black Labrador retriever.) Leila has always had a very independent, wild spirit. She loved living on the ranch. She had 80 acres of open space, a plethora of jack rabbits to chase, horses to run with, and another doggy companion to play with and love.

We have both suffered great loss and change. We moved to the suburbs and she went from 80 acres of freedom to the side of a house, fenced in. I couldn’t take our second dog, so my Leila has also lost her very best friend. I know how she feels. Everything is different now. We’ve lost so much. It’s hard not to focus on all the things you’ve lost—despite of all the wonderful things you do have.

Since the move Leila has become a different dog. She now has severe separation anxiety. She shakes and quivers when I put her outside because she knows it means I will be gone for the next nine hours. Despite heavy anxiety medicines from the vet, she still manages to go crazy. She’s completely chewed through the fence and escaped (twice), she’s learned how to hop the fence (we solved that by moving the trash cans away from the fence), and most recently she has learned to drag extremely heavy cinder blocks away from the fence and dig under the fence. Yeah, she’s very strong willed.

But when she escapes she only runs to the driveway or the front door and simply waits for me to come home. Other times she’s wandered down the paths that we take on our walks. All she wants is to find me. She does whatever she can to seek me. She’s lonely and sad, and during this time when so much is different, I am the one thing that has stayed the same to her—so she will do whatever it takes to get to me.

Wow.
I wish I had that same burning passion for God. To love Him so much that I absolutely need Him. That any time spent wandering away from Him would leave me shaking in sadness because He is my rock, the center of my joy and all that I need to survive. To know that no matter what changes, His love stays the same. What if I pursued a relationship with God in the same manner that my dog tries to seek me? What if I really treated Jesus like my best friend? If I sought Him with exuberant passion and every ounce of strength I had? Wow…I have so much to learn from my dog.

Last night I was in tears over the stress of my poor, anxious and lonely pup. My family is stressed and upset and I am definitely feeling the weight of everyone’s emotions on my shoulders. I was so sad and felt like public enemy number one, hiding in my room with my destructive but oh-so-loving-and-cuddly dog. I prayed to God that He would reveal the solution. That He would give me the strength and knowledge I need. At one point I cried out and said “Lord, I’m at the end of my rope! I just don’t know what to do!” and then I heard him laugh as he smiled and said to me, “Then you need to get a longer rope.”

He has such a good sense of humor, and I heard him loud and clear. “Have patience.” Life might not be ideal, and let’s be honest, it never will be. But that doesn’t mean we throw in the towel and pout and storm around when things are stressful. We shouldn’t give up, ever. I’m not just talking about my dog here people. When life is stressful, when storms are raging and you are blowing around and it seems as though you have lost everything—take a lesson from my dog. Now is not the time to give up; rather, it is time to run faster, dig deeper and seek God with everything you have. Don’t give up, keep seeking him; for it’s in these storms that we need him most. 

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1)

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29)

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13)

My Love Song

Lately I've been getting back into the habit of expressing myself through written word--whether it's blogging, journaling, writing prayers or poetry--I find that I feel most comforted and at peace when I'm writing. Not only that but I learn best when I meditate and write as well. I'd like to share with you a poem/song I wrote a few months ago when my life was in such deep turmoil. I wrote it looking back on all that I had overcome and looking ahead at the wonderful things in store.

My Love Song

I felt so very broken,
As if I were unwhole.
So I searched for missing pieces
To complete my lonely soul.

Although I knew you God,
My struggles still were great.
Constantly tempted to sin,
Turning back far too late.

I walked with you there
In the valley of death.
But did not trust you Lord,
When my faith you did test.

The winds the blew me over.
The skies they darkened black.
The rivers they arose,
With Satan at my back.

And the wind blew harder still,
Bringing me to my knees—
It was there I found you Lord,
It was there I found your peace.

I cried out to you,
For mercy I did plea,
“Deliver me dear Jesus!
My Lord, rescue me!”

The Prince of Peace heard
My brother he answered me.
He gave me the strength I needed
To sail through stormy seas.

The winds and waves they howled,
The father of lies, he hissed.
He tried to make me fall again,
But all his snares did miss.

Let this be my love song,
A true testament of your grace—
Lord, when I did not have the strength,
You equipped me to run the race.

For Jesus, you did prune me,
Of all my fruitless vines.
In Christ Jesus I am rooted
With all His glory divine.

Nurture me and grow me,
My great Immanuel.
You are God of everything,
May my life this story tell.

To Yaweh be the glory
To God and God alone.
I am just a traveler,
This world is not my home.

You’ve set aside a place for me
A home that’s truly mine
When Heaven’s splendor I will see
For all the rest of time.

There will be more storms
Of troubles, I am sure
But Jesus I will follow
My LORD He will endure!

Fear

I have a very specific memory that is rooted in my mind. From time to time it surfaces with such clarity that I feel as if I am reliving the moment. This memory has to do with my worst fear: the one thing that would cause me to unravel at a moment's notice, to lose composure and become a wreck.

I was in the sixth grade, a tween of only twelve years. I recall sitting with my best girl friends in class. We were passing around a very special book. Each friend could fill out a profile with fun and informative facts about themselves. Such as: favorite color, favorite food, secret crush (everyone’s was a boy named Kyle), birthday, etc. One of the questions was, “Your worst fear”.

Even at such a young age I remember having a maturity that most of my other friends didn’t yet possess. As I read through my friends’ answers they were all repetitious, “spiders”, “heights”, “getting my period”. But I, on the other hand, was afraid of something much, much deeper. Something intangible.

So what was my worst fear, you ask? My worst fear…is being alone.

Not alone for a few hours, no, I rather enjoy quiet time to myself. No, even as a tween, my worst fear was that I would grow up and be lonely. That I would end up an unwedded woman in an empty house, with heart full of love and no one to give it to…completely lonely. 

Quite different from my classmates indeed.

This fear has gripped me and has had an ugly hold on my heart ever since then. I have always feared a lonely life. Not having someone to divulge my heart and soul to. Not having someone to hold at night, to cry on, to laugh with…to love.

And yet, here I sit, in the very predicament that I feared my whole life. 

Isn’t it funny how God can use the toughest and most trying ordeals to teach us amazing things about ourselves…about Him? Well, through all of this, God has taught me a cornucopia of valuable lessons. Through this trial, the Lord has confronted me about my worst fear, about my sin.

That’s right, fear is a sin. Now just to be clear fear and being scared are two very separate things. Fear is something deeply rooted, something that is long lasting, long term. Whereas being scared is momentary, it is fleeting. Being scared is not a sin. We are all scared from time to time. But it is when we allow those things that scare us to take root, and grow in our hearts and transform into monsters and become fear—then we have crossed the line into sin territory.

So how is fear a sin? It says in God’s word (the Bible) that “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18). 

We know that “God is love” (1 John 4:8), and true, perfect Godly love is defined quite poetically (even if now cliché) in 1 Corinthians 13:4-13…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…⁸ Love never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Let’s do an exercise. Read that scripture again, only this time replace the words “love” and “it” with “God”, because we know that God IS love. Go ahead; re-read it, I’ll wait…

“Love God is patient, love God is kind. It God does not envy, it God does not boast, it God is not proud. ⁵ It God does not dishonor others, it God is not self-seeking, it God is not easily angered, it God keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… ⁸ Love God never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love God. But the greatest of these is love God.”

…Did it sound different that time? Let’s do the same thing with the verse from 1 John 4:18… 

“There is no fear in love God. But perfect love God casts out fear…”

There is no fear in God. So…are you in God? Not just reading the Bible, not just praying, and not just believing, but are you walking and trusting and loving God in the same manner that Corinthians says you should be? 

I know I wasn’t before this great trial came into my life. I had surrendered certain things to the Lord. I had given him many things, laid them down in order to follow Him. But my fear? How could I surrender something so intangible, something so deeply rooted in the depths of my being, of who I am? Something so incredibly personal?

 

Well God wants it all. Not just parts of you. Not just the pretty things. He wants the good, the bad, the ugly. But why? Why would I need to give up my fear, why should He care? 

Because fear was holding me back from a closer relationship with my great Creator.

When I feared loneliness, it meant that I wasn’t trusting the Lord to provide for me. It meant that I was taking my future into my own hands instead of having the faith to know that He won’t leave me high and dry. When I was fearing loneliness and crying because I don’t have a husband by my side—I was telling God that He wasn’t good enough for me.

 

Wow, what an ugly, horrible statement! What a slap in the face to someone who has bent over backwards and gave over His Son so that I could have freedom! Lord, forgive me for trespassing against you!

This epiphany has truly changed my heart! Lord, carry me through my loneliness, grant me peace and fulfillment to enjoy the cup you’ve given to me. And should you chose that my future be a future of solitude, grant me the patience and contentment to enjoy it, and to live for your glory!

I used to have many fears. I can look them all in the eye now, without trembling, without sadness or tears. I have put my faith, hope and love in Jesus—I have handed him the deed to my life, signed my will over to His Will. I entrust to Him every dark corner of my life as well as every glorious success. You can have it all, Lord Jesus. For when I surrender myself to You, I find an overwhelming sense of peace that gives me strength.

So what is your worst fear? What grip does it have on your life? Are you ready to hand it over to the Lord? He is willing to bear your burden and trade your fear for peace, if only you release your grasp and surrender unto Him…