A Promise Kept

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"Everything works together for the good of those that love the Lord." Romans 8:28

If you've followed my blog for the past year or so, you might be getting sick of these verses. (After all, I reference them in nearly every entry.) Like a favorite song or catchy tune that you can't seem to get out of your head, these verses are constantly on 'repeat' on my heart. Over and over again I chant them. They have become my battle cry, my strength, what gets me through each day and gives me the endurance to keep going. I have clung to these verses white-knuckled with every ounce of courage and hope that I have. With every fiber of my being, as a desperate, broken woman I have clung to these promises from God, grasping tightly to the hope that someday they would come true for me.

Someday...

Someday all of this pain will work together for my good.

Someday...

Someday the Lord will prosper me, give me hope and a future.

Someday...

Friends, rejoice with me! Praise God with me! Worship and shout out because the LORD my God, my Savior Jesus who has made these promises to me (and to you) has made good of His word, and that someday is NOW.

These verses were once just dreams and hopes, now they are promises kept, proof of Jesus' compassionate and faithful, enduring love! God has truly used the pain and the brokenness to heal me, to grow me, to teach me, to mature me. God has strengthened me through these trials. He has traded my pain and sorrows for joy and smiles. He has swapped my despair and depression with hope and confidence. God has made me whole. He has provided for my every need and blessed me. Truly I proclaim to you, that He has kept His word!

And if God has kept these promises to me, why should I have any doubts that He will faithfully fulfill all other promises He has made? I have searched my soul, I have studied His word, and I have cried out in prayer. Friends, I tell you, I have found no reason to doubt God. He is true. He has been true throughout the ages, and He has demonstrated time and time again throughout my life that He will never leave me, nor forsake me.

"What then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

A few weeks ago I went for a rather long hike. As I sat in a large walnut tree grove I prayed to God and asked Him many things. I unloaded the burdens of my heart to Him. I begged Him for mercy. I asked Him to finalize this divorce, to set me free and bring me into the future that He promised. As I cried and prayed, I felt the urge to read my Bible. So I opened my Bible app on my phone. The first page it opened was a Verse of The Day. As I read the verse I began to choke on tears. God heard my prayers, and He responded in a real and true way. I read the words of Romans 8:31 over and over again, smiling more and more each time. "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Let me tell you friend, your prayers don't bounce off the ceiling. God hears you. God loves you, and whether you see it or not, He is responding to you.

Recently I decided that I wanted to get to know the heart of God better. I've never read the Old Testament and I felt like I was missing out on the rich heritage of my people, of God's people, of God Himself. So I started to read. As I read through Exodus I noticed something about God that was so utterly profound and still rings true in my life today. God performed miracles in order to set the Israelites free and bring them out of the land of Egypt and out of slavery. He did these things because He loved His people, because He heard them cry out, because He had compassion and did not want them to suffer and because He had promised their ancestors that He would deliver them. And yet for forty years after He set them free they struggled against Him, wandering aimlessly in the dessert. And here's the rub--God did not free the Israelites so that they could continue to be slaves, lost, hopeless in the desert. No! God freed His beloved children so that He would deliver them out of slavery and into the promised land, to give them hope and a future!

I began to see the connection between the desert-wandering Israelites and myself. I have wandered for over a year now through this desert-like Limbo of the divorce process; at times, losing hope, and other times grasping firm to it as the only option I had left. But what I've come to realize through my dear Israelite brothers and sisters is that my compassionate Father God did not free me from an abusive marriage so that I could continue to be bound and wander the desert. No! God saved me, so that He could bring me out of desperation and into the promised land, into the future that He said He would!

I trust Him. I faithfully follow Him and with all my heart I trust Him. I've wandered in the desert for so long, but the promised land is just over the horizon, I can see it, a blur coming into view. 

Friends, please pray for me. Sometime this week or the next, my divorce paperwork will once again go to the judge for final judgement. I have done all that he has asked. I have made all the corrections and refiled and waited and waited. I know that all this time has been for good reason and that God has used every situation to better me. I have grown through this time in the "desert" and I know, I just know it, I feel it deep in my soul, that God is going to deliver me. Please pray that He will. Pray that he moves Judge Powers' heart, pray for a miracle.

I pray for you too, that no matter where you are in life, no matter what your current struggle is, that you would hold firm to God's promises. I pray that God is using my life, my story, my struggles as a way to show His awesome glory and power to you. You are loved and cherished. Thank you for joining me on my journey, I pray that God blesses you abundantly and reveals His glory and wisdom to you.

I love you friends, and more importantly, Jesus loves you with an unconditional love that has no bounds. May we learn to not be Israelites lost in the desert, pointing our fingers at God and blaming Him, but instead learn to faithfully follow Him and trust that He is guiding us to the promised land. 

After all, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

"I Walk By Faith" is one of my favorite worship songs; and it epitomizes what I have been through and am going through!

Learning to Fly

I’ve been blessed with a second chance at life; a second chance to love, to live, and decide who I am and for whom I stand. God has graciously lavished me with wisdom and pruned my sinful ways and my past life. And now like a mother bird who has equipped her baby with what she needs, God pushes me out of the nest and yells after me “Remember to spread those beautiful wings I gave you, and FLY!”

I tumble down parallel to the tree, gravity pulling me towards the earth. I smack a branch on the way down. “God, why would you do that to me?! I’m not ready for this!” I shriek as I plummet down, the earth getting closer. I hear shouting behind me, what did He say? The world is a blur of images around me. Suddenly His words are crystal clear in my mind, He’s been teaching me for so long, how could I forget this so quickly? Only mere yards from hitting the ground, a saving grace of wind swirls around me and I spread my wings, lifting me up towards the sky. I’m flying…I’m flying!!! I swoop victoriously through the air, reveling in my newfound victory as I beat my wings and victoriously turn towards my Maker in the heavens. “Thank you my Lord, I never would have flown if you hadn’t pushed me.”

“His divine power gives us everything we need for life and godliness.” 2 Peter 1:3

God has given me the power to do some truly amazing things—things I never thought possible. The biggest hurdle He has equipped me to overcome is living a single life. (It has been nine years since I was last single.) I used to think I needed a man—literally needed him. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid to not have a companion. My happiness and sense of self-worth were completely and hopelessly tied to him. And worst of all, so was my faith. I sacrificed growth with God and traded it for an unhealthy relationship with a man who was not walking with God. Oh, but it wasn’t a waste of time—God has a way of turning our mistakes into our greatest lessons and using them to forever change us.

Being alone used to be my biggest fear…it’s not anymore. The past few months I’ve learned what it means to truly have a relationship with Christ. I’m not talking tradition. I’m not talking “I do it because I’m supposed to” or “because I have to” or “because that’s what my family wants me to do”. No, no, no…baby I’m talking ‘bout LOVE, L-O-V-E; the kind that makes you stay up late just so you can talk about nothing; the kind that makes you swoon and sing silly songs; the kind that you think about first thing when you wake up; so madly in love you’d drive any distance to see them, buy them any trinket just to make them smile; I’m talking head-over-heels, so this is real, bubbly feelings, giddy, excited, serious, committed LOVE.

YES! I am completely and madly in love with a man who changed my life and His name is JESUS. He has blessed me. He has planned what is before me and my heart is in His hands. I need not fear loneliness, because I have the One who will never leave me.

Wow. Getting to this point has been quite a journey, a tear stained and traumatic journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Because now I have my prize: now I firmly grasp what it is to be in LOVE and CONTENT in Jesus Christ, and nothing, no-thing could ever be greater than that.

I’m not saying that I don’t want to fall in love with a man someday, surely as my blood is red and the sky is blue I do! But what I’m saying, is that I’ve finally come to a place of contentment with being single. I enjoy my time alone—in fact, I look forward to it! I embrace myself, and I am learning to love me. My happiness is no longer dependent on someone else. My self-image and sense of worth is not dependent on whether or not he compliments my outfit or if his eyes wander the room. No. It’s me, just me and I am happy being me. I have time for me, and things and people I love. I don’t have to worry about him or check up on a story to catch a lie. I have time to grow in Jesus and have removed the stumbling block that kept me from doing so.

God has taught me what it means to be content and find joy in any and all situations. He has shown me how to stand for Him on my own. I think this is one of the many important lessons God wanted me to learn through all of this—that I must learn to stand firm in the faith by myself before I can stand with someone else.

I am so thankful that God has brought me through all that He has, and that He has revealed such wonderful wisdom to me. I can confidently stand as a single woman, holding on to each day as a gift and being thankful for every moment! I pray that you too would open your heart to what it is God is trying to teach you, and that you too would know the peace of contentment in all situations; and that when God pushes you out of the nest, you won’t fight the wind, but instead embrace it and use it to your advantage—fall in love with Jesus and learn to fly!

Be encourage my friends, be encouraged my soul!

Love,

Amanda

p.s. Here is a video of my favorite song right now, "Beautiful You" by Trent Monk. It's the sweetest love song to Jesus that makes my soul sing out and makes me want to dance around. You can't listen to this and not smile. I dare you.

Trust

TRUST—it’s much more than just a four letter word; it’s an action, it’s a feeling. It’s deep and personal. At times it’s easy to do. But once you’ve been burned, it can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Broken trust doesn’t just affect one relationship, but can affect every relationship you will ever have.

 So the question is: once your trust has been destroyed by someone, how can you learn to ever trust anyone again? 

Of course I have struggled with this very problem over the last few months. The issue of trust is on my heart every day. It surges through my brain, racks my body with anxiety and eats away at me. I have come face-to-face with the most devastating realization; that the very closest relationship I’ve ever had was based entirely on lies. 

I won’t go into details about my deteriorated marriage or even my heart breaking divorce. This blog isn’t about him, it’s about me. And up until six months or so ago, he was a part of me—and to some extent he still is—but that part is fading and I am learning how to be just Amanda once again. So like I’ve said before, and will reemphasize now, this blog is about my personal journey, my relationship with Christ. Like an ebbing tide there are highs and lows. I desire to meditate on my struggles and to learn from them and grow in Christ through this personal reflection. Although I might address “you”, I am also addressing myself—talking to myself, if you will—and God is teaching me through this. It is my prayer He is teaching you, too.

 So here I am God, standing amongst the rubble and still smoking ashes of what used to be me, my marriage and my life. You’ve taught me about trials and that sometimes we have to burn back down to the beginning and start over. I know you’ve never hurt me, but the consequences of my own sins and the consequences of someone elses sins have hurt me so deeply that I’m struggling to trust anyone, including you. I know you don’t deserve it. Forgive me for doubting. Teach me to trust you, and others once again. Let no bitterness take root in my heart. My trust was burned in this fire. And like many other things, it has to grow from seed once again. So God I ask you, grow only what is pure, what is good in your site. Make me new in you, and help me to start over. Amen.

 Is this a prayer you can relate to? I know I’m not the only one struggling with trust. Especially us women, when we are hurt we tend to punish everyone for it. I want to walk in love and look forward to a bright future, not wallow in the past and lose great opportunities because I can’t let go of what happened to me. But seriously, how do I trust again?  

I’ve been giving this issue a lot of thought, prayer and study. I think the first step to learning to trust anyone, is learning to trust God. 

Maybe you think you already do. That it’s not God you don’t trust, but other people. I used to think that too, in fact, I used to say that to my husband all the time as an excuse for my behavior and attitude. “It’s not God I don’t trust, it’s you!!” I would scream at the top of my lungs as we fought and argued. And sometimes, that may be the cold hard truth. Maybe you are trusting God but the person you are having a relationship with has been very untrustworthy—but hold on right there! Don’t you dare think for one minute that this lack of trust won’t try to weasel its way into your relationship with your heavenly Father as well! 

When someone has broken your bond of trust you begin to doubt not only your relationship with them but with everyone else around you. If this person was capable of dishonesty and disloyalty—what’s to say everyone else isn’t capable of the same thing? 

The truth is: as human beings we all posses the ability to break each others trust. We are all sinful by nature, we all fall short. (Romans 3:23) On the contrary, God our Father is not even capable of sinning. He isn’t even able to do it. No way, no how. So if God can’t sin, then he can’t break a promise, he can’t be disloyal, he can’t lie, he can’t steal, he can’t cheat, he can’t gossip. God cannot sin! Therefore, if God cannot do these things, then he cannot betray your trust. His word is solid, unchanging. It is real, it is true and a relationship you can always count on. In a fire, God is the base of that tree trunk—the rest of you may burn away but the base is still there, rooted, standing firm and ready to keep on growing.

 So if God is so good, even though our circumstances may not be good, still—how do we learn to trust? Well, we know He cannot sin, and if we dig into the Bible we will see He has a pretty darn good track record of reliability.  

One of my favorite stories—or books, rather—of the Bible is the Exodus, the story of how God delivered His beloved people out of slavery. God’s people had become slaves in Egypt. They were greatly oppressed by Pharaoh. As the years passed, they began to think that their Lord had forgotten them, had forsaken them. They were beaten, killed, mistreated, raped, in danger each day. Little did they know, that as the years passed, God was preparing the path to victory for them. Each day as their spirits were burdened, young Israelite Moses found favor in the kingdom. Until one day God called Moses to plead with Pharaoh and lead his people out of slavery. Finally after devastating and fatal plagues Pharaoh let them go, only to quickly change his mind and chase the Israelites throughout the desert. But even then, God provided great miracles to deliver them from the clutches of the Egyptians. The waters of the seas parted, he guided them as a great cloud during the day, and a fire ball by night; when they were hungry he provided manna from Heaven and quail for them to eat—through every storm, every trial, every heartbreak, through slavery and even 40 years spent wandering in the desert—Yahweh, the great I AM provided for his beloved chosen people. When they questioned him, when they turned away from him—he still loved them, he brought them back, he reminded them about his goodness and mercy.

This story always makes me cry. I love the Exodus. I love to see the promises fulfilled. When I read how quickly the Israelites turned against God even after he had just delivered them from slavery, I am reminded of myself. How quickly after a trial do I forget my grief and pain? How quickly we fall back into the sins that got us where we were—and yet, God our father loves us so deeply, so truly, so faithfully, so completely and utterly unconditionally that he continually goes as far as it takes, even forty years in a desert, even death on a cross—to show us, that no matter the situation, our great God provides!

Can I get an AMEN?!

This is only one example of God keeping His word; of God pouring out mercy, love and compassion; of God healing the broken when sin had left them in chains. You see, even when we get ourselves in bad situations, or when others lead us into bad circumstances and bad things happen to us—God goes out of His way to bring us back to Him. 

So we can see throughout history that God’s word is good-you can take Him to the bank, so to speak—but STILL, how come it is so hard to trust Him? He won’t let you down, he won’t hurt you. It doesn’t mean that hard times won’t come and it doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt. But it is imperative to understand that when you are hurt—it’s not God’s fault. It might be our own, it might be someone else’s, it might just be an accident, but you can rest assured that you can trust in God. 

Let’s think about trust—what is it? Well, in order to trust someone, you have to let them in. You have to give them a piece of you; whether it’s deep and personal or something simple, you have to let them in. And once you’ve been hurt and betrayed it becomes really hard to let someone in. But you can’t live your life in loneliness and punish yourself (and everyone else) because of the hurt you once experienced. You have to allow yourself to become vulnerable. And by letting someone in, not only are you allowing them to get closer to you—but you also relinquish a measure of control.  

Ahhh…so that’s where the real root of distrust lies—in our eternal struggle to be in control. You see, we were never meant to be in control, God is in control! And yet we constantly struggle, trying to grasp what is already in His hand. We worry, we stress, we lose sleep, we become depressed, we struggle. And every time we do one of these things, what we are really saying is, “God, I don’t trust you to take care of this situation, so I’m taking it into my own hands.” And because we try to take from God what we can’t—we struggle.

So if you are ready to turn your life around—to trust God—to let Him in, to find relief from your suffering, then you must let go of the rope and stop pulling in this losing battle of tug-a-war. Stop trying to snatch what is firmly in God’s grasp! Relinquish control, surrender to God. Then and only then will you even begin to break down the walls you’ve built around your heart and let Him—and everyone else—in.  

You can trust God—you can let Him in and tell Him anything and everything. By trusting God to be in control of your life you will be able to take small steps in trusting others again too. Practice discernment and be wary of the people that you trust—but never ever worry about trusting God. He made you, He knows you and He will not hurt you. He loves you, and unlike the world—His love is unconditional.  

Even little children sing and understand that after all…He’s got the whole world in His hands!

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

Fear

I have a very specific memory that is rooted in my mind. From time to time it surfaces with such clarity that I feel as if I am reliving the moment. This memory has to do with my worst fear: the one thing that would cause me to unravel at a moment's notice, to lose composure and become a wreck.

I was in the sixth grade, a tween of only twelve years. I recall sitting with my best girl friends in class. We were passing around a very special book. Each friend could fill out a profile with fun and informative facts about themselves. Such as: favorite color, favorite food, secret crush (everyone’s was a boy named Kyle), birthday, etc. One of the questions was, “Your worst fear”.

Even at such a young age I remember having a maturity that most of my other friends didn’t yet possess. As I read through my friends’ answers they were all repetitious, “spiders”, “heights”, “getting my period”. But I, on the other hand, was afraid of something much, much deeper. Something intangible.

So what was my worst fear, you ask? My worst fear…is being alone.

Not alone for a few hours, no, I rather enjoy quiet time to myself. No, even as a tween, my worst fear was that I would grow up and be lonely. That I would end up an unwedded woman in an empty house, with heart full of love and no one to give it to…completely lonely. 

Quite different from my classmates indeed.

This fear has gripped me and has had an ugly hold on my heart ever since then. I have always feared a lonely life. Not having someone to divulge my heart and soul to. Not having someone to hold at night, to cry on, to laugh with…to love.

And yet, here I sit, in the very predicament that I feared my whole life. 

Isn’t it funny how God can use the toughest and most trying ordeals to teach us amazing things about ourselves…about Him? Well, through all of this, God has taught me a cornucopia of valuable lessons. Through this trial, the Lord has confronted me about my worst fear, about my sin.

That’s right, fear is a sin. Now just to be clear fear and being scared are two very separate things. Fear is something deeply rooted, something that is long lasting, long term. Whereas being scared is momentary, it is fleeting. Being scared is not a sin. We are all scared from time to time. But it is when we allow those things that scare us to take root, and grow in our hearts and transform into monsters and become fear—then we have crossed the line into sin territory.

So how is fear a sin? It says in God’s word (the Bible) that “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18). 

We know that “God is love” (1 John 4:8), and true, perfect Godly love is defined quite poetically (even if now cliché) in 1 Corinthians 13:4-13…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…⁸ Love never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Let’s do an exercise. Read that scripture again, only this time replace the words “love” and “it” with “God”, because we know that God IS love. Go ahead; re-read it, I’ll wait…

“Love God is patient, love God is kind. It God does not envy, it God does not boast, it God is not proud. ⁵ It God does not dishonor others, it God is not self-seeking, it God is not easily angered, it God keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… ⁸ Love God never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love God. But the greatest of these is love God.”

…Did it sound different that time? Let’s do the same thing with the verse from 1 John 4:18… 

“There is no fear in love God. But perfect love God casts out fear…”

There is no fear in God. So…are you in God? Not just reading the Bible, not just praying, and not just believing, but are you walking and trusting and loving God in the same manner that Corinthians says you should be? 

I know I wasn’t before this great trial came into my life. I had surrendered certain things to the Lord. I had given him many things, laid them down in order to follow Him. But my fear? How could I surrender something so intangible, something so deeply rooted in the depths of my being, of who I am? Something so incredibly personal?

 

Well God wants it all. Not just parts of you. Not just the pretty things. He wants the good, the bad, the ugly. But why? Why would I need to give up my fear, why should He care? 

Because fear was holding me back from a closer relationship with my great Creator.

When I feared loneliness, it meant that I wasn’t trusting the Lord to provide for me. It meant that I was taking my future into my own hands instead of having the faith to know that He won’t leave me high and dry. When I was fearing loneliness and crying because I don’t have a husband by my side—I was telling God that He wasn’t good enough for me.

 

Wow, what an ugly, horrible statement! What a slap in the face to someone who has bent over backwards and gave over His Son so that I could have freedom! Lord, forgive me for trespassing against you!

This epiphany has truly changed my heart! Lord, carry me through my loneliness, grant me peace and fulfillment to enjoy the cup you’ve given to me. And should you chose that my future be a future of solitude, grant me the patience and contentment to enjoy it, and to live for your glory!

I used to have many fears. I can look them all in the eye now, without trembling, without sadness or tears. I have put my faith, hope and love in Jesus—I have handed him the deed to my life, signed my will over to His Will. I entrust to Him every dark corner of my life as well as every glorious success. You can have it all, Lord Jesus. For when I surrender myself to You, I find an overwhelming sense of peace that gives me strength.

So what is your worst fear? What grip does it have on your life? Are you ready to hand it over to the Lord? He is willing to bear your burden and trade your fear for peace, if only you release your grasp and surrender unto Him…