Fear

I have a very specific memory that is rooted in my mind. From time to time it surfaces with such clarity that I feel as if I am reliving the moment. This memory has to do with my worst fear: the one thing that would cause me to unravel at a moment's notice, to lose composure and become a wreck.

I was in the sixth grade, a tween of only twelve years. I recall sitting with my best girl friends in class. We were passing around a very special book. Each friend could fill out a profile with fun and informative facts about themselves. Such as: favorite color, favorite food, secret crush (everyone’s was a boy named Kyle), birthday, etc. One of the questions was, “Your worst fear”.

Even at such a young age I remember having a maturity that most of my other friends didn’t yet possess. As I read through my friends’ answers they were all repetitious, “spiders”, “heights”, “getting my period”. But I, on the other hand, was afraid of something much, much deeper. Something intangible.

So what was my worst fear, you ask? My worst fear…is being alone.

Not alone for a few hours, no, I rather enjoy quiet time to myself. No, even as a tween, my worst fear was that I would grow up and be lonely. That I would end up an unwedded woman in an empty house, with heart full of love and no one to give it to…completely lonely. 

Quite different from my classmates indeed.

This fear has gripped me and has had an ugly hold on my heart ever since then. I have always feared a lonely life. Not having someone to divulge my heart and soul to. Not having someone to hold at night, to cry on, to laugh with…to love.

And yet, here I sit, in the very predicament that I feared my whole life. 

Isn’t it funny how God can use the toughest and most trying ordeals to teach us amazing things about ourselves…about Him? Well, through all of this, God has taught me a cornucopia of valuable lessons. Through this trial, the Lord has confronted me about my worst fear, about my sin.

That’s right, fear is a sin. Now just to be clear fear and being scared are two very separate things. Fear is something deeply rooted, something that is long lasting, long term. Whereas being scared is momentary, it is fleeting. Being scared is not a sin. We are all scared from time to time. But it is when we allow those things that scare us to take root, and grow in our hearts and transform into monsters and become fear—then we have crossed the line into sin territory.

So how is fear a sin? It says in God’s word (the Bible) that “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18). 

We know that “God is love” (1 John 4:8), and true, perfect Godly love is defined quite poetically (even if now cliché) in 1 Corinthians 13:4-13…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…⁸ Love never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Let’s do an exercise. Read that scripture again, only this time replace the words “love” and “it” with “God”, because we know that God IS love. Go ahead; re-read it, I’ll wait…

“Love God is patient, love God is kind. It God does not envy, it God does not boast, it God is not proud. ⁵ It God does not dishonor others, it God is not self-seeking, it God is not easily angered, it God keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… ⁸ Love God never fails…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love God. But the greatest of these is love God.”

…Did it sound different that time? Let’s do the same thing with the verse from 1 John 4:18… 

“There is no fear in love God. But perfect love God casts out fear…”

There is no fear in God. So…are you in God? Not just reading the Bible, not just praying, and not just believing, but are you walking and trusting and loving God in the same manner that Corinthians says you should be? 

I know I wasn’t before this great trial came into my life. I had surrendered certain things to the Lord. I had given him many things, laid them down in order to follow Him. But my fear? How could I surrender something so intangible, something so deeply rooted in the depths of my being, of who I am? Something so incredibly personal?

 

Well God wants it all. Not just parts of you. Not just the pretty things. He wants the good, the bad, the ugly. But why? Why would I need to give up my fear, why should He care? 

Because fear was holding me back from a closer relationship with my great Creator.

When I feared loneliness, it meant that I wasn’t trusting the Lord to provide for me. It meant that I was taking my future into my own hands instead of having the faith to know that He won’t leave me high and dry. When I was fearing loneliness and crying because I don’t have a husband by my side—I was telling God that He wasn’t good enough for me.

 

Wow, what an ugly, horrible statement! What a slap in the face to someone who has bent over backwards and gave over His Son so that I could have freedom! Lord, forgive me for trespassing against you!

This epiphany has truly changed my heart! Lord, carry me through my loneliness, grant me peace and fulfillment to enjoy the cup you’ve given to me. And should you chose that my future be a future of solitude, grant me the patience and contentment to enjoy it, and to live for your glory!

I used to have many fears. I can look them all in the eye now, without trembling, without sadness or tears. I have put my faith, hope and love in Jesus—I have handed him the deed to my life, signed my will over to His Will. I entrust to Him every dark corner of my life as well as every glorious success. You can have it all, Lord Jesus. For when I surrender myself to You, I find an overwhelming sense of peace that gives me strength.

So what is your worst fear? What grip does it have on your life? Are you ready to hand it over to the Lord? He is willing to bear your burden and trade your fear for peace, if only you release your grasp and surrender unto Him…