A Life Without Fear: The Year of Adventure!

I was 23 years old when my husband of seven months left me. I had just begun my life, and yet it was over at the same time. The earth and everything I held dear crumbled beneath my feet. I was shattered. I was broken. I was alone, and I was lonely. I looked at my past and thought, “How did I ever end up here?” I looked at my ghastly circumstances and pondered, “What am I doing?” and then hopelessly wondered, “Where am I going?”

The truth is—I had accepted Jesus Christ into my heart and life when I was 18 years old, but I wasn’t living for Him. (I certainly thought I was at the time, but that’s the funny thing about time, you see things so differently in retrospect.) I prayed and asked for things, but I didn’t really believe they would happen. I went to church and enjoyed it. I went on mission trips and at times was on fire with passion, but my flames always smoldered. I overslept instead of reading my Bible. I overslept on spiritual growth. I ignored the things God wanted and instead replaced them with things I wanted—after all, this is my life. I built my life around the man I loved, and who loved me…or so I thought. He was my foundation. He was my rock. He was the center of my happiness.

 He was also the chain around my neck that ultimately sunk me and anchored me to the dark and murky depths of depression, to which I was tethered for a grueling 12 months.

I was a house built on sand. When the storms came, I was beaten, ripped to pieces, my foundation creaked and moaned. My boards splintered, my beams broke. Every piece of me was washed away and destroyed. And there I stood, in the middle of the storm, completely exposed.

Sometimes God only needs to remodel you: add a little paint, maybe even strip off the last layer first, lay down new floors, and add some décor. But not me. My spirit was a house condemned. “Not fit to live in,” said the sign across the door of my heart. God knew the work that needed to be done. Not even my foundation could be salvaged. 

So he ripped it down. All of it. He ripped it away. It was tragic, it was painful, it was horrible. And yet, it was freeing, it was beautiful, it was a relief. In the year that followed, I suffered through muddy depressions and struggled to figure out who I was. What do I like to do with my time? What kind of woman am I? Is this who I want to be? 

Then God began to rebuild. He carefully chose a solid Rock foundation (Himself), and lovingly selected each beam, and he built me anew: a completely different design. I am a new woman. I have a renewed love and vigor for Jesus Christ and His ministry of love. My past is gone, and here I am, stronger than ever because of the nightmares that I have endured. God had to rip down everything I had built by my own selfish desires, and he had to rebuild me from the ground up, to be the woman he always planned for me to be.

And Dear Lord, oh how I am thankful; thankful for the searing pain, and for the healing. I know God is a God of compassion and that he truly does bind up the broken hearted. I know, for he has healed my broken heart.

As I reflected on the year 2012, I say goodbye to it with both exasperation and happiness. There was good, and there was very bad. There was pain, and there was joy. I had finally begun to live my life, and not only so, but I dared to even enjoy it too! I thought about my humble circumstances, how far I had come, and what lies ahead in the future.

The last year and a half have been a sojourn to say the least. I realized that over the years, I had somehow spun a web of fear in my mind so thick that I had convinced myself that there were invisible limits on my life. “I can’t do this!” I would say. “I cannot do that!” Echoed my mind. “I’m too scared!” “I might be hurt.” “I can’t do it alone.”

LIES. All of it. Satan’s whispers in my ears, deceiving me as if it were my own voice reasoning with myself. Convincing me of a long list of things I could not do. I couldn’t have fun. I couldn’t go out. I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t do so many things.

Well I’m done with can’ts. I’m done with a life that is limited to the boring and safe. I am done being controlled by fear. I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH! (Philippians 4:13) Obviously the long list of fears and “can’ts” that I had constructed over the years were a lie. 

So I made a decision. I decided to live a life without fear. There is no more room for fear in my heart. There is no more room at all. Christ died so that I may have life, and not only that, but so I would enjoy it. Every day that speeds by will never come again. It is time to live this life that I have been blessed with. It is time to step out of the door…and go on a few of adventures. 

So this is it, 2013: The Year of Adventures! I have made a list of things I have always been too afraid to do, or have somehow convinced myself that I could not do. I am going to check those things off my list. Cross them off with great satisfaction and joy. I am going to live this beautiful life that God gave me, with Him leading the way, and guiding me. I choose to walk in love and joy (even when sadness comes my way) and seek the adventure and fun in each opportunity.

Join me friends, in laying down your fears, taking up your crosses and living the purposeful lives that you were made for. You won’t regret it.

Adventure #1: January 6^th, 2013 –Skydiving

I cry at the top of roller coasters. Yes. It’s true; I really am that much of a wimp. Or should I say used to be. 

Today, my best friend of 16 years and I drove to NorCal Skydiving in Cloverdale, CA and took the plunge. I was ecstatic. There wasn’t one moment that I was afraid. I was overjoyed. I loved the plane ride up; I loved the jump, the freefall, the landing. I have never in my life felt so peaceful and serene as I was when freefalling and looking over the glorious beauty of the land.

It was a perfect adventure, and something I had convinced myself was far too dangerous and scary for the likes of me. As we floated down my instructor laughed as I told him how it was nothing like I had nightmares about. He said to me, “You are afraid of things you don’t know anything about! How can you be afraid of something you’ve never done?” And Jimmy was right. How can I fear something I have not done? For years I limited myself, and yet here I was careening down to the earth from 13,000 in the air, tears ripping from my eyes and the biggest smile on my face and my heart. I didn’t even scream.

Today was the best birthday ever. 

Here’s to a life without fear.

Here’s to adventures!

A Promise Kept

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"Everything works together for the good of those that love the Lord." Romans 8:28

If you've followed my blog for the past year or so, you might be getting sick of these verses. (After all, I reference them in nearly every entry.) Like a favorite song or catchy tune that you can't seem to get out of your head, these verses are constantly on 'repeat' on my heart. Over and over again I chant them. They have become my battle cry, my strength, what gets me through each day and gives me the endurance to keep going. I have clung to these verses white-knuckled with every ounce of courage and hope that I have. With every fiber of my being, as a desperate, broken woman I have clung to these promises from God, grasping tightly to the hope that someday they would come true for me.

Someday...

Someday all of this pain will work together for my good.

Someday...

Someday the Lord will prosper me, give me hope and a future.

Someday...

Friends, rejoice with me! Praise God with me! Worship and shout out because the LORD my God, my Savior Jesus who has made these promises to me (and to you) has made good of His word, and that someday is NOW.

These verses were once just dreams and hopes, now they are promises kept, proof of Jesus' compassionate and faithful, enduring love! God has truly used the pain and the brokenness to heal me, to grow me, to teach me, to mature me. God has strengthened me through these trials. He has traded my pain and sorrows for joy and smiles. He has swapped my despair and depression with hope and confidence. God has made me whole. He has provided for my every need and blessed me. Truly I proclaim to you, that He has kept His word!

And if God has kept these promises to me, why should I have any doubts that He will faithfully fulfill all other promises He has made? I have searched my soul, I have studied His word, and I have cried out in prayer. Friends, I tell you, I have found no reason to doubt God. He is true. He has been true throughout the ages, and He has demonstrated time and time again throughout my life that He will never leave me, nor forsake me.

"What then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

A few weeks ago I went for a rather long hike. As I sat in a large walnut tree grove I prayed to God and asked Him many things. I unloaded the burdens of my heart to Him. I begged Him for mercy. I asked Him to finalize this divorce, to set me free and bring me into the future that He promised. As I cried and prayed, I felt the urge to read my Bible. So I opened my Bible app on my phone. The first page it opened was a Verse of The Day. As I read the verse I began to choke on tears. God heard my prayers, and He responded in a real and true way. I read the words of Romans 8:31 over and over again, smiling more and more each time. "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Let me tell you friend, your prayers don't bounce off the ceiling. God hears you. God loves you, and whether you see it or not, He is responding to you.

Recently I decided that I wanted to get to know the heart of God better. I've never read the Old Testament and I felt like I was missing out on the rich heritage of my people, of God's people, of God Himself. So I started to read. As I read through Exodus I noticed something about God that was so utterly profound and still rings true in my life today. God performed miracles in order to set the Israelites free and bring them out of the land of Egypt and out of slavery. He did these things because He loved His people, because He heard them cry out, because He had compassion and did not want them to suffer and because He had promised their ancestors that He would deliver them. And yet for forty years after He set them free they struggled against Him, wandering aimlessly in the dessert. And here's the rub--God did not free the Israelites so that they could continue to be slaves, lost, hopeless in the desert. No! God freed His beloved children so that He would deliver them out of slavery and into the promised land, to give them hope and a future!

I began to see the connection between the desert-wandering Israelites and myself. I have wandered for over a year now through this desert-like Limbo of the divorce process; at times, losing hope, and other times grasping firm to it as the only option I had left. But what I've come to realize through my dear Israelite brothers and sisters is that my compassionate Father God did not free me from an abusive marriage so that I could continue to be bound and wander the desert. No! God saved me, so that He could bring me out of desperation and into the promised land, into the future that He said He would!

I trust Him. I faithfully follow Him and with all my heart I trust Him. I've wandered in the desert for so long, but the promised land is just over the horizon, I can see it, a blur coming into view. 

Friends, please pray for me. Sometime this week or the next, my divorce paperwork will once again go to the judge for final judgement. I have done all that he has asked. I have made all the corrections and refiled and waited and waited. I know that all this time has been for good reason and that God has used every situation to better me. I have grown through this time in the "desert" and I know, I just know it, I feel it deep in my soul, that God is going to deliver me. Please pray that He will. Pray that he moves Judge Powers' heart, pray for a miracle.

I pray for you too, that no matter where you are in life, no matter what your current struggle is, that you would hold firm to God's promises. I pray that God is using my life, my story, my struggles as a way to show His awesome glory and power to you. You are loved and cherished. Thank you for joining me on my journey, I pray that God blesses you abundantly and reveals His glory and wisdom to you.

I love you friends, and more importantly, Jesus loves you with an unconditional love that has no bounds. May we learn to not be Israelites lost in the desert, pointing our fingers at God and blaming Him, but instead learn to faithfully follow Him and trust that He is guiding us to the promised land. 

After all, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

"I Walk By Faith" is one of my favorite worship songs; and it epitomizes what I have been through and am going through!

Making The Grade Is Not Enough

One sunny morning two weeks ago I awoke early with a cheerful disposition. (This may seem normal to you but the words “early” and “cheerful” along with “morning” are about as rare as a blue moon in my life.) “Today is the day!” I said with a smile as I jumped out of bed. “Today is the day I will go down to the courthouse and close this chapter of my life!” So I got dressed and skipped my way downtown. I prayed all the way, “God I know you’ve drawn this divorce process out for a purpose, but I am praying boldly and faithfully that you will wrap this up…today!”

I turned a corner to get in line for some free legal help. After nearly two hours in line my sunny disposition had not changed. I was so hopeful. I stepped up to the counter, explained my situation to a quizzical woman. She took my paperwork and came back a few minutes later. “I’m so sorry,” she said as my heart sank, “but the only person who can guide you in this matter is on vacation. I’m afraid you’ll have to come back in two weeks.”

My fellow divorcees in line looked at me with such sad faces “We’re so sorry!” they said, hoping for better for themselves. “It’s okay,” I told them, “what’s two more weeks?” But as I walked away down the hall, with each clickety clack of my heels, my heart was singing a much less hopeful song. “But God I was so sure, and I prayed with boldness like you word tells me to. I’ve done the things you’ve asked me to. My heart has changed. I’ve learned contentment. I’ve been sharing your love with others. I just don’t understand.”

Friend, I’d like to tell you that I’ve had a divine revelation in the last two weeks—but I haven’t. I’d like to say I know exactly why God is holding this back still—but I don’t. But you know what? That’s okay—really, I mean it—it’s okay! God has taught me about loving Him, following Him faithfully, being content and being patient. Through this last year He has taught me these things and maybe, just maybe, He is testing my faith to see whether or not I will walk the walk. It’s one thing to study hard and regurgitate the right answers on the test—but months later, do you still remember what you learned in class, can you apply it to your life and actually use it? Or did you just study enough to get by, and now all that time spent in class was a complete waste because you don’t remember a thing?

There it is! Did you catch that? There it is! The revelation I have been searching for—it’s not enough to simply pass the test—no, we must continually study and put into use what we have learned, lest we completely forget it and have to go through the class and test again. I am reminded of a scripture in the book of James, chapter one, verses 22-25. “²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.”

I’m in tears, God is so good. He is a perfect Teacher. He doesn’t just want us to get good grades; He wants us to actually use the wisdom He gives us. He doesn’t want us to continually struggle with the same things over and over. He desires for us to blossom and grow, to produce fruit, to move on to the next class.

I have my prerequisites for life; I have passed the beginners class. But do I remember enough from it to pass the next?

I know that this is about walking in faith, about persevering through long suffering and continuing to be hopeful and have faith. Like Jesus said, ⁹ “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (Luke 11:9). Jesus says don’t give up! Keep going, no matter how many times you have to pound on the door, eventually someone will get up and open it!

As I read Luke 11:9 and I prepare to go again to court I am reminded of the story Jesus shared about the persistent widow in Luke 18: Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. ² He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. ³ And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

⁴ “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

⁶ And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. ⁷ And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? ⁸ I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly…

You know what I really love about that scripture? The part that says the purpose of the story Jesus shared was to encourage His disciples to “always pray and not give up.” You see, faith is easy when you get what you want. But it’s a heck of a lot more challenging when every door you try to open is locked. But don’t be discouraged! Jesus wants us to use what we learned, to continue to walk in faith, to keep knocking, to keep seeking, to “prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness and our sincere love…” (2 Cor. 6:6).

Lord, I pray that I will remember Your Word and all that You have taught me and brought me through. I know that the greatest way to remember is to continually read my Bible and pray. Forgive me for being lazy and not studying enough. Help me Lord to be successful in this longsuffering—to keep knocking, to keep seeking—knowing that You will deliver justice to me. I know that every day and every moment has a purpose. I know that all things are working together. You are God, I am not. When I prayed for you to wrap things up “today” what I was really saying was “wrap this up my way”. Forgive me Lord, may Your will be done, not mine. For I know that You have used this to make me new. So now my God I pray, please wrap this up Your way. However long it takes or whatever I have to do—I know it’s in your hands. I don’t need to worry. You will deliver me. I have faith and I boldly pray that you will go before me. Please set me free and help me to move on. But more than anything Lord, use this time in my life to draw me close to you—no matter the cost.

So I will keep knocking and seeking for my God has told me that He will ensure justice for me, and quickly—and wouldn’t you know it, my two weeks is almost over…

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul!

Love,

Amanda