While I'm Waiting

It has been three years this month since my [ex] husband left me for a life of drugs, booze and crime. The month of June used to make me depressed. But now, I am rejoicing; for God has done so much in me and my life through these past three years. I feel like a completely new woman: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and even physically. I have been abundantly blessed—and it would not have been possible if it had not been for the suffering I endured.

When I was going through that dark valley of loss and grief, people would constantly direct me to James 1: 2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” I used to read that over and over and try my hardest to have joy despite the pain. But only now do I truly see the joy in the trial. I had glimpses of it then, but now I am able to see it clearly.

It is this clarity that allows me to have joy now, amidst any momentary trials and storms I encounter. I have experienced pain and tragedy, and God used it to build me, to grow me and to strengthen me. Because of the past, I know that God is faithful and loving, that He hears me, He sees me, and that He is working on my behalf. God has an amazing, unfailing track record of keeping His promises. He doesn’t change just because our circumstances do.

“For everything there is a season,” states Ecclesiastes 3:1. Although the season I am currently in is filled with abundance and peace, there are still storms and trials in my life. There is one in particular that seems to preoccupy a lot of people (including myself). No matter where I go I get the sideways looks, the awkward half smiles and timid stuttering questions:

• Some beat around the bush— “So, uh, what’s new in your life?”
• Others are more straight forward—“…So…are you seeing anyone?”
• And even bolder are those— “I have a friend who knows a guy who goes to this church and…”

(Cue melodramatic music) 

That’s right, the plight of a single woman.

Kermit the Frog says, “It ain’t easy being green.” Yeah well, it ain’t easy being a single woman either. If you are content with your singleness, people think something is wrong with you. If you are yearning for your soul mate—still!—something is wrong with you. Goodness, I could write you a ranting novel about the horrid, overused, cliché (read: unhelpful and hurtful) things people say to me.

But I won’t. Because despite the fact that when people say those things I silently envision punching them in the face—I know that deep down, those words are coming from a good place and are out of love. I know everyone longs to see me strong and independent, but also have my love story come true. I know you want that for me, but gosh, don’t you think I want it too?

But, “for everything there is a season”…
...and this, this just isn’t that season.

For a while I began to wonder if I had done something wrong. Am I being punished? Why is everyone else moving on, settling down and yet here I stand—left behind? Being single felt like a curse—a disease that causes coupled-up friends to forget your name and evenings to become hours of quiet loneliness.

But then I hear the words of James echoing in my soul, “Consider it joy, Amanda, even in this. For just like in the past, this too will strengthen and grow your faith.” I have learned that nothing is ever meaningless to God. Being a single woman has grown me in many ways. I have faced challenges, and have been (wonderfully) forced to do things on my own. I have learned whom to rely on, and how to ask for help. I have had amazing experiences in this season. All of this has been for a reason, and there is joy in that!

...And yet, despite knowing that there is joy and so much opportunity in this season, some days I lie in bed having a merciless pity party for one. There’s no one out there for me! Maybe God wants me to be lonely forever. It’s been so many years; maybe I am meant to be one of those single women for life, after all. God, do you even care?!”

I was recently reading Joanna Weaver’s book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, and I found the exact description of my struggle. Weaver calls this the “Three Deadly D’s of Destruction,” and they are:

• Distraction
• Discouragement
• Doubt

She says, “Throughout time, Satan has resorted to these tactics to bring down God’s best and brightest. The underlying strategy is fairly simple: Get people’s eyes off God and on their circumstances. Make them believe that their ‘happiness’ lies in the ‘happenings’ that surround them. Or send them good news—about somebody else. When they’re thoroughly discouraged, tell them God doesn’t care. Then sit back and let doubt do its work.” (Weaver, 17)

There you have it. Those depressed days followed by lonely nights and wallowing pity parties—are bold-faced attacks from Satan himself. Doubt is not of God—faith is! Doubt, when left unchecked by the Word of God, can fester into a poisonous snare of unbelief.

“Unbelief brought down Judas—he refused to trust God’s timing. Unbelief hardened Saul’s heart—he closed his eyes to the rightness of God’s ways. Unbelief kept the Israelites in the wilderness for forty years because they questioned God’s ability to lead them. And it was unbelief way back at the beginning of time that opened a doorway of darkness in a world designed for pure light.” (Weaver, 26)

So once again, for the umpteenth time in my life, I can relate to the Israelites. I’ve seen the hand of God provide and guide, and yet I turn around and question His sovereign faithfulness, and doubt whether He will actually come through for me. And because I doubt…I wait.

Years ago, on a particularly trying day, my wonderful friend Stephanie said to me, “God is molding you!” as she scraped my arms like a sculptor would shave unwanted clay from a statue. “And being molded hurts. But he’s making you stronger. He’s trying to teach you something.” In the midst of my divorce, and those years of waiting, God had wanted to teach me and grow me. It’s no different now. While I, a modern day Ruth, wait for my Boaz, God desires to grow me and teach me. He has a purpose and a plan for me.

My heart has changed now. Although some days being single hurts, it is not a curse. It is a blessing! I now see my season of singleness as a tool to be used to further God’s kingdom, to spread His love, to seek Him, to be His hands and feet. Although I long for the day that I will be blessed with an equally-yoked team mate and captain—I trust that God has me exactly where I am meant to be. So I am casting away my doubt and taking back my faith. God has never forsaken me, He has always come through. 

Now I have come to ask God daily, “What can I do for YOU, now, in this season? How can I take full advantage of this time, for Your glory? Who is in need that I can help? Who can I be there for? Use me Lord, do not let me squander this time you have given me. This is not about me. This is about You, and loving Your people. Please help me, lead me and give me a heart to serve and to love abundantly and selflessly. And while I am waiting for the man you have planned for me, prepare me for the future and build me into a woman of faith, not one of doubt.”

I know that all of this waiting is a blessing. Waiting is preparing me and growing me—making me a better woman. The longer I wait, the more grateful I will be when I receive. Waiting does not mean sitting by the way-side bored and bleak. It is only that way if you make it that way. I, instead, choose to actively wait upon the Lord and His timing. I choose to utilize this time, to make the most of it; to seek out God’s will and to bring it to fruition. I want to reach out to others and be a blessing in a way that only this season will allow me to. 

In this season and trial, I choose to trust Him. I lay my heart in His hands, knowing He has always had the best of intentions for me. I choose to stop dating and trying to find a man for myself; and instead, I choose to focus on the LORD and seek Him, the creator of my heart, faithfully trusting that He is using this season to not only prepare me, but He is also preparing my future husband. I choose to use this time to grow closer to God, to serve Him and to serve His people as much as I can. I'm taking my eyes off of this trial, and am fixing them on Jesus instead.

While I am waiting, I pray, I serve, I seek.

While I am waiting, God is continuing to make me.

While I am waiting, He is working.

While I am waiting, I am trusting.

While I am waiting, I am rejoicing!

Citations:

Weaver, Joanna. ""Lord, Don't You Care"?." Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. Colarado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2002. . Print.

Learning to Fly

I’ve been blessed with a second chance at life; a second chance to love, to live, and decide who I am and for whom I stand. God has graciously lavished me with wisdom and pruned my sinful ways and my past life. And now like a mother bird who has equipped her baby with what she needs, God pushes me out of the nest and yells after me “Remember to spread those beautiful wings I gave you, and FLY!”

I tumble down parallel to the tree, gravity pulling me towards the earth. I smack a branch on the way down. “God, why would you do that to me?! I’m not ready for this!” I shriek as I plummet down, the earth getting closer. I hear shouting behind me, what did He say? The world is a blur of images around me. Suddenly His words are crystal clear in my mind, He’s been teaching me for so long, how could I forget this so quickly? Only mere yards from hitting the ground, a saving grace of wind swirls around me and I spread my wings, lifting me up towards the sky. I’m flying…I’m flying!!! I swoop victoriously through the air, reveling in my newfound victory as I beat my wings and victoriously turn towards my Maker in the heavens. “Thank you my Lord, I never would have flown if you hadn’t pushed me.”

“His divine power gives us everything we need for life and godliness.” 2 Peter 1:3

God has given me the power to do some truly amazing things—things I never thought possible. The biggest hurdle He has equipped me to overcome is living a single life. (It has been nine years since I was last single.) I used to think I needed a man—literally needed him. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid to not have a companion. My happiness and sense of self-worth were completely and hopelessly tied to him. And worst of all, so was my faith. I sacrificed growth with God and traded it for an unhealthy relationship with a man who was not walking with God. Oh, but it wasn’t a waste of time—God has a way of turning our mistakes into our greatest lessons and using them to forever change us.

Being alone used to be my biggest fear…it’s not anymore. The past few months I’ve learned what it means to truly have a relationship with Christ. I’m not talking tradition. I’m not talking “I do it because I’m supposed to” or “because I have to” or “because that’s what my family wants me to do”. No, no, no…baby I’m talking ‘bout LOVE, L-O-V-E; the kind that makes you stay up late just so you can talk about nothing; the kind that makes you swoon and sing silly songs; the kind that you think about first thing when you wake up; so madly in love you’d drive any distance to see them, buy them any trinket just to make them smile; I’m talking head-over-heels, so this is real, bubbly feelings, giddy, excited, serious, committed LOVE.

YES! I am completely and madly in love with a man who changed my life and His name is JESUS. He has blessed me. He has planned what is before me and my heart is in His hands. I need not fear loneliness, because I have the One who will never leave me.

Wow. Getting to this point has been quite a journey, a tear stained and traumatic journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Because now I have my prize: now I firmly grasp what it is to be in LOVE and CONTENT in Jesus Christ, and nothing, no-thing could ever be greater than that.

I’m not saying that I don’t want to fall in love with a man someday, surely as my blood is red and the sky is blue I do! But what I’m saying, is that I’ve finally come to a place of contentment with being single. I enjoy my time alone—in fact, I look forward to it! I embrace myself, and I am learning to love me. My happiness is no longer dependent on someone else. My self-image and sense of worth is not dependent on whether or not he compliments my outfit or if his eyes wander the room. No. It’s me, just me and I am happy being me. I have time for me, and things and people I love. I don’t have to worry about him or check up on a story to catch a lie. I have time to grow in Jesus and have removed the stumbling block that kept me from doing so.

God has taught me what it means to be content and find joy in any and all situations. He has shown me how to stand for Him on my own. I think this is one of the many important lessons God wanted me to learn through all of this—that I must learn to stand firm in the faith by myself before I can stand with someone else.

I am so thankful that God has brought me through all that He has, and that He has revealed such wonderful wisdom to me. I can confidently stand as a single woman, holding on to each day as a gift and being thankful for every moment! I pray that you too would open your heart to what it is God is trying to teach you, and that you too would know the peace of contentment in all situations; and that when God pushes you out of the nest, you won’t fight the wind, but instead embrace it and use it to your advantage—fall in love with Jesus and learn to fly!

Be encourage my friends, be encouraged my soul!

Love,

Amanda

p.s. Here is a video of my favorite song right now, "Beautiful You" by Trent Monk. It's the sweetest love song to Jesus that makes my soul sing out and makes me want to dance around. You can't listen to this and not smile. I dare you.