Arriving

“She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25

Click-click-click-click-click…on and on go the menacing sounds of the suspenseful ride and gradual incline to the top of the track, all-the-while I’m holding my breath waiting for the unavoidable sudden, stomach clenching drop. I know it’s coming, but I can’t avoid it, it’s too late. I’m already on the coaster, buckled in and in motion. There’s no stopping what is to come…

A brief peaceful moment atop the track, overlooking everything, then in one split-second the wind gushes and blows me back, plummeting seemingly out of control to what surely must be the end. The wind rips tears from my eyes and streaks them across my face. I scream in fear of the unknown and cry out for it to stop, but the coaster continues its journey on. It must finish what it set out to do.  

After the horrific drop down, a wave of relief comes, but it’s short lived. A violent swing of momentum pushes the ride up, up, up, only to pummel back down, then up, and down, going through loops and twists with no sign of relief anywhere to be found on this strange and hopeless ride.

I gaze around but everything is a blur. How did I get here?  How did things get so out of control? God I can’t do this. I need you, please help me! My stomach is in knots and at any given moment I might just hurl everything I’ve ever eaten all of this whole train. When will this end? I think to myself.

As the ride continues I get smarter and learn to brace myself for the coming twists. I learn to look ahead to learn how to react to the different pieces of track. I try not to look too far ahead lest I get overwhelmed and panic, forgetting all I’ve been through and all I’ve learned to make it through.

I learn to cope with the sudden drops and constant blasts of wind. And just when I’m starting to accept the fate of this ride— WHAM the train slams to a stop and I’m pressed hard against the harness, hair windblown around my face.

Slowly the train lurches forward , bewildered I sit back it my seat as my train comes into the loading zone and my hardness clicks open. I pull myself up out of the train and walk to the glowing “exit” sign. As I stop to catch my breath, I look back at all the terrified people in line on the other side. And with a victorious smile I wave confidently to them and bravely proclaim, “It’s not that bad!”

Then I turn and leave for the next coaster, knowing that I can conquer that one too, because hey, I just did the impossible, something I never thought I could and now I stride on with joy and peace, laughing evermore, “bring it on!”

You’ve probably guessed by now that this story is a metaphor of my life this past year. In every way it truly has been a roller coaster. Yes, I’m still going through this divorce, but I feel like my train has come back to the loading zone. I’ve finally made it through the terrifying track, through the deep depression and into a meadow of contentment.

God has blessed me abundantly and taught me more in this past year than I have learned in my whole life. He has taught me about pain, about listening to and following His voice (not my own), He has taught me about perseverance, patience, contentment, grace, mercy, and love. In short, through the tribulation of losing my husband, God has revealed His true heart and His divine nature to me. When I thought there was no way, Jesus showed me His way. When I thought love was a lie, God unmasked the truth.

As I pull myself out of this coaster I am a new woman. I am no longer the scared girl that embarked on this journey. Through the twists and turns, the sudden drops and the fear—God has created me a new being.

I glance back at the roller coaster, and against all odds, I smile and I boldly pray “thank you for the ride,” because I know that although this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it was also the greatest. I see where I am now, on the other side and I wouldn’t change a moment. Because here I am, I have arrived…

“If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has gone away—behold! The new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Contentment

God has been teaching me relentlessly these past few weeks. My last post shared with you how He is using my trials and troubles to build me up in purity, understanding, patience, kindness and sincere love, all through the power of the Holy Spirit. In order to grow these precious, priceless qualities within me, He is also teaching me about contentment; How to be satisfied with who I am, what I have, what I don’t have, and where I am in life.

I think that’s something we all struggle with. Both culturally and spiritually—contentment is a constant battle. Commercials, advertisements, the latest gizmos and gadgets; new cars, new homes, clothes, jewelry—we are constantly being smacked by a barrage of messages that say “You’re not good enough!” “You need better things!” “You’re not where you should be!” “Look at what they have!” “Your job sucks!”

And so we yearn. We cry. We covet. We desire for things we don’t need. We beat ourselves—and others—up. We develop a sense of entitlement, when really all these things are just fluff. The only thing we need is Jesus for our spirit, and food, clothing and shelter for our bodies. But in a world where we are grown to desire more, more, more; how can we learn to be satisfied with what we already have and where we are in life?

How can I be content being a 24-year-old woman who is going through a divorce, lives with her parents and is working a career that isn’t quite her passion or what she went to school for? After being on my own and in a relationship for so long, how can I be content depending on my parents and being single and lonely again?

I’ve been trying to discover that answer, and friends, I joyfully proclaim the response to you in this:

 ¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

 ⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

(Ecclesiastes 3: 1-13)

You see, God doesn’t play it by ear, no ad libbing here! Before you were born He knew you, He created you, He planned each step, He knew when you would sin, and He planned out what HE would do in your life. So He knows that there truly is a season for everything.

There was a season when all I wanted was to get out of high school and go to college—and over time that happened. Then the season came where I worked hard through college and longed for the peace of graduation and no more homework—well, in God’s timing that happened too! What I am going through now will not always be! Read verse one again, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens…” God says there is a season. Think of spring, summer, fall and winter—they don’t last forever! They last for just a time, and then they change.

I am going through a season of trials, sorrow and loneliness, but that’s all they are; seasons. They won’t last forever! And boy, oh boy does that give me hope! But I know that they are seasons, which means they come back around. This is why God uses each trial to strengthen us and teach us, so we will be better equipped for the next season.

Thank you God for the trials in my life for I know that through them you are building me. I have faith and confidence that this just a season. How long of a season, only You know. But I joyfully give thanks for my trials, and look forward to a sunnier season filled with abundance!

It’s my prayer that this gives you hope to endure whatever it is you’re going through. A little change of perspective can sometimes change your entire outlook, and in turn change how you deal with things.

Which reminds me of a devotional I read from Girlfriends in God a week or so ago. The author lamented about a day when she was so weary and so sick-and-tired of meaningless chores! She angrily mopped the kitchen floors that had just been cleaned and re-dirtied by her children. As she shoved the mop back and forth, all-the-while complaining and grumbling, God gave her a different perspective and she cried out to God. Thank you Lord for strong hands and health to be able to stand and hold this mop! Thank you for this home that I even have a floor to mop in the first place! Thank you for my messy children and the blessing of serving them and cleaning up after them.  (This is my paraphrased version.)

You see, God wants us to be content and thankful in every situation. Lately I’ve found myself complaining under my breath, mad about meaningless things, yearning for things that just aren’t in this season. And God had something to say about it, just a simple one sentence, but clear enough for anyone. “Do everything without complaining or grumbling.” (Philippians 2:14) God desires for us to be thankful and content with what we have, who we are, who HE is, His timing and where we are in life.

He changed my perspective. God, how blessed I am to have loving parents that are willing to take care of me in my season of need. How blessed I am to have good health. How blessed am I to have a wonderful job that pays for more than my needs! How blessed am I to be young and still have so many opportunities before me! God, your blessings are uncountable, You have been so good to me…

Yes, a little change of perspective, the confirmation from God that life comes in seasons, and a grateful attitude—all of these things God has used mightily in me these past few weeks. I pray that this too has blessed you, and that the things I have learned may teach you today.

I’d like to share an incredible sermon I heard this Sunday at church that really melded together all of the things that God has been saying to me. Pastor Rich preached a powerful message called “Godliness with Contentment is Eternal Wealth”. Click here to go to our church website and click on the sermon with the aforementioned title (or just click the play button) to listen to the sermon. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul!

Love,

Amanda

Being Sculpted

When God is trying to teach me a lesson, He often has to tell me the same thing multiple times, through different outlets and various people; and it’s usually not until the tenth time that I finally realize, Oh Lord! I get it now! I hear you—I hear you.

I’ve been going through that for a long time now. My stagnant divorce and the cumbersome painful baggage I carry because of it tugs at my heart and emotions. There are droughts of deep depression. There are mountains of gloriously happy days. But for every peak, there is a valley as deep as the mountain is high.

This divorce has drug out far longer than it should have. Papers have been misfiled. The judge has rejected my paperwork multiple times. And now, I have to go to court to explain why there were mistakes. And the court date has been set for a day I cannot attend. Of course!

Yesterday threw me into hysterical tears. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another!” My boss exclaimed as I called her in tears explaining why I couldn’t return that afternoon. (P.s. Thank you Lord for such a kind and compassionate manager!) I then found myself on the doorsteps of a dear friend who held me as I cried, even though she didn’t know why I was there unexpectedly, sobbing on her shoulder. (P.p.s. thank you Lord for my compassionate friend!)

I know God is trying to teach me something. Obviously. Well, I know He wants to build my patience, because I’m a go-getter type of woman with a typical American attitude of I-want-it-all-and-I-want-it-NOW! I think about where I used to be on the patience scale and where I am now, and I think Hey! I’m doing great, I’m so much better than I used to be. And then through these storms and trials God tells me Yes, you are better, but you’re nowhere near where you need to be. You see, God doesn’t want us to compare ourselves to who we used to be, or even to those around us. No. God left us one comparison, and that was Jesus Christ.

Through my hysterical tears yesterday, my sweet friend told me, “God is molding you!” as she scraped my arms like a sculptor would shave unwanted clay from a statue, “And being molded hurts. But he’s making you stronger. He’s trying to teach you something.” She related a recent cancer scare she had, and how God had used that looming unknown to strengthen her and teach her.

I thought about that all night. When I went home I went for a run. In my heart I cried out to God, God! I just can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong enough. I just can’t fight this battle anymore. Lord, I can’t do this. I’m stepping down, I give this to you. Please Lord, please fight for me.

And through my tears, and sweat and gasping for air (mind you, I was running, and uphill no less…) God’s sweet, but firm voice said to me, Finally! Sweet thing, I’ve been trying to tell you this for a loooooong time. Remember this: I’m the one wearing the gloves. This was never your fight to begin with. I got this! Just trust and follow me.”

Wow, I love it when God gets my attention. Okay God. It’s hard for me to see why you would take a seemingly simple divorce and draw it out so long. But I know and I trust that it’s because there is a lesson in all of this. You are building me, preparing me and creating me to be the strong faithful woman that I need to be, that YOU have planned me to be.

Earlier in the day I cried out in prayer as I drove home, God! Things aren’t going according to plan; it’s just one mess up after another! Then God stopped me in my tracks. Not going according to plan...and whose’ plan is that Amanda? Ouch. God, forgive me. I have my own plans, and desires. You’re right. Help me to remember that when it all seems to be going ‘wrong’ that truly everything is going according to plan—Your plan, Your good and perfect plan. I trust you, I am following you.

When my husband abandoned me and I discovered the lies and secrets, I never once asked God why. Some people just need to know why things are happening. I don’t need to know why, because He’s already told me in His word. Every storm, every trial, everything good and bad, everything works together for the good of those that love the Lord! (Romans 8:28) He uses every experience in our lives to prepare us for the next. Who I am now is not who I need to be in the future. Who I am now is not who I will be forever. God! Please mold me. Prune me of the things that hold me back. It hurts, God it hurts! But I know through the pain I will experience victory!

Recently a friend of mine posted something along the lines of “The pain and suffering of sore muscles after a workout is a reward for a job done well.” At first I thought that was strange, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. Yes, it hurts to be shaped and molded, but when you push on through the pain, you experience the satisfaction of seeing the change! Can I get an Amen?!

So I put away my tears. I gathered the pieces of my broken heart, and gave the gloves back to God, who always had them anyway. This morning I awoke and prayed and read a daily devotional from Girlfriends in God (you can sign up for their daily devotions here.) There was no doubt that God was still shaking me by the shoulders and teaching me a lesson.

I know this blog is already quite long, but I’d like to post the devotional. Please read through the whole thing. You won’t be disappointed!

Storms Are For Our GoodApril 24th, 2012 By Mary Southerland

Today’s Truth

Psalm 46:1 (NRSV) “God is our refuge and strength, a tested help in times of trouble.”  

Friend to Friend

While vacationing in the mountains, a man watched as a lumberman occasionally jabbed his sharp hook into a log, separating it from the others floating down the mountain stream. The man asked the lumberman why he was separating some of the logs.

The worker replied, “These logs may all look alike to you but a few of them are very different. The ones I let pass are from trees that grew in the valley. They were always protected from the storms. Their grain is coarse. The ones I have hooked and set apart from the rest came from high up on the mountains. From the time they were small, they were beaten by strong winds. That toughens the trees and gives them a fine and beautiful grain. They are too good to use for plain lumber so we save them for our best work.”

I don’t like storms. Blue skies and bright sunshine are my personal preference. The same is true in life. I often think boredom is highly underrated and tend to long for a day without problems, a crisis or some kind of disaster. When a storm does hit, my first reaction is to look for a way of escape. I want to avoid pain and sidestep complicated situations if at all possible. However, looking back over my life, the reality is that my greatest growth and the deepest truths God has to offer have been accomplished through the fiercest storms.

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He feverishly prayed for God’s rescue, but with every day that passed, his hope weakened. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood for protection from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. Everything was lost. Stunned with grief and anger, the man cried, “God, how could you do this to me!” The next morning, he woke to the sound of a ship approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. “How did you know I was here?” the weary man asked. “We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.
Storms are for our good.

Let’s Pray

Father, I want to thank You for the storms in my life because they make me turn to you. They keep me on my face before You. I am desperate for Your power and presence at work in my life. Anything that makes me cry out to You can be counted as a blessing. I love You, Lord, and trust You with every storm that comes my way.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Now It’s Your Turn

Read 1 Peter 4:12-13 “Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith.” (ICB) In your own words, describe the testing you are going through today in your life. How is it testing and strengthening your faith?

Read 2 Corinthians 6:6 (NLT) “We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, our sincere love, and the power of the Holy Spirit.” This verse lists the qualities God wants to create in us through storms that come our way. Which ones are present in your life? Which ones is He trying to produce in you today? Are you willing to let Him do so? 

More from the Girlfriends

Your trials are many and you have been battered by some brutal storms. I know.  But more importantly, God knows. In Him, you are a storm survivor.  And when you are face to face with a storm, you are standing on the edge of discovery. Don’t tell God how big your storm is. Tell your storm how big your God is!

Did you catch that?!?! The whole devotional spoke—no SCREAMED at me! Especially the verses 1 Peter 4:12-13 and 2 Corinthians 6:6. God couldn’t be more crystal clear. The painful things I am suffering through are testing my faith in order that God may grow my purity, understanding, patience, kindness and sincere love, all through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I am dumb-founded, stricken with a loss for words. God, I hear you—I hear you! Open the eyes of my heart. Mold me, make me, shape me more and more like you! May these trials make me, not break me. I know where you want my heart to grow and I pray for the humility to be obedient and let these tough times build me. I am Yours and all I have is Yours. You can have it all. Thank you Lord. I praise You and thank You for Your goodness and mercies. Thank you for seeing the big picture when all I see is the here and now. Lead me Lord, I’ll follow.

Thank you for joining me in this journey my friends. Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul!

Love,

Amanda

Long Way Home

Do you ever feel like every door you encounter is closed?  I do. A lot. I battle depression but try to remind myself that things are already so much better, and over time God will heal all wounds and grow me. But still, life is a journey. Sometimes that journey feels like war. I'm knee high in the muddy trenches of this battle ground. I'm running for my life. Then I'm lost in the woods. And around the bend I'm safe on high ground. Then just a few more steps and I've found myself in another valley.

But I guess that is just how this journey goes. People trip us up. Sin tries to run us down. We mess up. But we have to keep on moving. If we stand still and cry in the shadows of the valley, we might miss out on the gloriously radiant sunshine that is just a few steps around the corner. 

So even when I'm weak, and feel so very alone, I must remember that Christ is walking with me. Not only is He walking with me, He is walking before me--leading me through the shadows, guiding me through the sunshine, carrying me when I'm too tired to keep going. He's always there. He's mapped out this journey. He knows where the path is going. And even when the valley's seem so deep, we must remember that He is in control, and that He guided us around even worse danger. 

He loves us, and we're just taking the long way home.

Love Is Real

I recently wrote a letter to the Pastors and Elders of my church to express my gratitude to them for all they have done for me in the last year, and to share with them all that God has taught me through this very painful time. It was a hard letter to write, but the Holy Spirit granted me the words of my heart. 

After receiving my letter, the pastors called me in tears and asked if I would share my letter with the church on Sunday. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am one of those weirdos that actually enjoys public speaking. But there's something about the pulpit, our large congregation, and bearing my soul that made my palms sweat, my voice quiver and my stomach nauseas.

I walked, knees knocking, up to the stage and before I even began speaking, I was in tears. I read my letter, and sobbed the whole time. It's been a long, hard road, and it's not over. I'm still journeying this path and going through so much. It's difficult to expose your true weaknesses to so many people. But when you do--such a rewarding thing happens--people rally around you, support you, and most importantly: they understand you in a real and true manner. You see, the most impactful thing we can do for Christ is share boldly what He has done for us. Testimonies, emotion, REAL life experiences are what touch hearts and souls. So as hard as it was, it was also incredibly wonderful.

I would like to share my letter with you as well. I hope that it inspires you. I pray that the Spirit would touch your heart. If you are broken or going through a tough time--I hope you will understand what I have gone through, having discovered my husband's alcoholism and addiction to crystal meth (among many other things) and then going through a divorce as he chose to leave me. I want to use my pain to show you that God can heal you too. If He could bring me through this, He can certainly bring you through too...

(Below is my letter)

Dear Pastors,

              I would like to humbly express my gratitude for all of your prayers and love for me throughout this past year. It has been by far the toughest season of my life and still continues to be a daily struggle. As I reflect on the last year and all that the Lord has brought me through, I cannot keep my heart from singing His praise, even through my tears. He has held me together in every moment. He has heard each prayer, wiped away every tear and filled every lonely void in my heart. His presence in my life is undeniable; and, although I have never felt so broken and hurt, I have also never felt so incredibly loved and fulfilled. To the world this makes no sense, but to my soul that has found peace in Christ—nothing has ever been so perfectly clear. Jesus can make anyone whole—even when so many pieces are missing—because He himself is able to become those missing pieces. When I thought I had lost it all, I discovered that I had all I needed in Christ Jesus, the lover of soul, my brother and best friend. It brings me to tears all over again, but this time, they are tears of joy.

              When my husband left me I was, and still am, devastated. As things progressively got worse I began to think that love was a lie; that all I had known about love was untrue. I began to question God’s love. Many people who I thought would be there for me weren't. They didn’t call, or write, or check on me. It was too much drama, too much to handle, too much work. They didn’t know what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all.
            We read that God is love, and that God sent His Son who died for us, and through this we can see His love. We read it, and try our best to believe it. But it’s not until someone shows us, and we experience God’s true love that we actually believe it.

            I want to thank you, and the saints of our amazing church, for showing me what true, Godly, Christ-like love really is. When I had given up on love, God demonstrated His love all around me, through so many people in our church. I received calls, letters, cards, e-mails, visits and more from people who loved me—even people I didn’t know. They wanted me to know that they love me, and more importantly, that God loves me.  Many shared their experiences with me and I began to realize that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through. Even those who didn’t understand what I was going through still knew what to say to me, because they know God’s word.

            I understand now why in James it says to have joy in trials; I understand now how trials create perseverance, hope and faith. When everything fell apart I knew there were two paths before me: I could allow this tragedy to break me and ruin everything, or I could hold fast to Christ and allow it to strengthen me and mold me. It’s obvious what the right path is, but walking it is another story.

            I cannot praise God enough for the love and strength I have found at Rockville Bible Church. You have prayed for me and with me. You have cried for me, and with me. My brothers and sisters made sure I didn’t fall away. Words could never express how God used Mike and Stephanie to change my life and draw me closer to Him. They showed me more love than I have ever known and they refused to let me fall away. My heart overflows with gratitude and sings a new song because of the love I have been shown.

            My friends, family and coworkers kept saying things to me like, “I’m so amazed at how well you’re doing,” and, “How are you getting through this?”

            In December, I came to the church for a movie night and watched Louie Giglio’s sermon “Hope When Life Hurts Most”. It sounded like something I needed to hear. In his sermon he said that the trials in our lives are like megaphones to the world. The way we react tells everyone around us a story. I began to think about my story, and what it’s telling the people around me. I thought about how people kept telling me how good I was doing despite the circumstances. And even though I felt so broken, I realized that God was being glorified through my brokenness. And I came to accept and be thankful for this heartbreak, because through my pain, people were seeing God’s great love moving. They saw love as real thing, able to heal hearts and mend broken lives. I began to finally understand Jesus’ pain, and why He would willingly lay down His own life.

I finally understand that great, great love; the love that glorifies the Father and speaks to the hearts of men through pain and struggles. My life is a megaphone and my trials are not just speaking they are yelling to everyone around me that GOD is bigger than my broken heart, that He has saved me and held me together—and in the end, that makes every fallen tear and every lonely night worth it.

            I praise God for His mercies. I can truly sing now, “This is the day that the LORD has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!” Not only can I sing it, but I actually mean it.

            I am still in so much pain and my heart is still broken. I am still haunted by my broken marriage and crushed by this divorce, but I know now that Jesus is more than enough for me. I read a church sign recently that said “Smooth seas don’t make for skilled sailors,” and I couldn’t stop laughing—because now I understand and am thankful for stormy seas. In my pain and sorrow I have come to know the Lord’s truth and love. Have I mentioned that I’m thankful? Because I just can’t stop saying it! Thank you!!! I love you!

            Even after all these months when others have stopped calling and have forgotten my pain—my brothers and sisters have remained faithful in checking on me and praying for me. As I journey down this path, please continue to pray for me, as I experience the highs and lows and depressions of this trial. I ask also that you to not stop praying for Valentin. Despite all of the pain he has caused, please do not become embittered. I urge you to love and to pray without ceasing for him; having faith that the Lord loves his prodigal son and is awaiting his return.

            I thank you again for showing me such love and grace, and praise God for the work He is doing through you and your ministry. I pray for you often and will continue to do so. Praise God for broken hearts and healed souls; praise God from whom all blessings flow.

            In Christ’s Love,

           

            Amanda

Click here to listen online to the great sermon Pastor Rich gave afterwards about Serving One Another In Love.

Suitcases

I was up all night. My conscience kept me awake like a blaring emergency siren throbbing between my ears. Like Jacob, I wrestled with God all night. (Genesis 32:24-32) And like any other wrestling match I’ve had with God—He won.

I don’t know why we struggle with God when we know He is bigger, stronger and most importantly HE’S RIGHT. I’m a sinner. I make mistakes. I fall flat on my face. The easiest thing to do is to just tell Him we were wrong and we’re sorry.

Sometimes we wrestle because we don’t want to admit we’re wrong, or we just aren’t sorry, or we don’t want to give up our sins. We struggle because He’s convicting our hearts and our first [sinful] reaction is to RUN away from Him. But the amazing thing is: there is no need to run. You see, God knows us. He knew us before we were even born. (Psalm 139) He knew what our strengths and weaknesses would be. He knew us then, He knows us now. He sees everything, and even knows our hearts and thoughts. There is no point in trying to hide our faults and sins. The best thing to do is to humbly come before our God and just say sorry.

Why is it so hard for us to understand that God loves us so deeply that He actually forgives us when we apologize? It’s because we as humans don’t treat each other with that same gift…so we have trouble understanding that God really does wipe the slate clean. He moves on. He doesn’t continually bring up the past. When He says “I forgive you” He means “It is finished.”

Sometimes I have nightmares about the past. I wake up sweating, crying, heart pounding, and my stomach acid churning and torturing me. It took me a long time to figure out the root of my problem. I thought I was being wrecked by all the memories or my broken marriage and all of the traumatic events that happened. After a lot of prayer and reflection, it came to me one night as I wrestled with God. I realized that in my nightmares I was replaying scenes that had actually happened and those scenes weren’t about what he did to me—I was haunted by the things I said, the things I did. It was easy to forgive him. I let it go and moved on. But I had not forgiven myself.

The hardest part of forgiveness (for me) isn’t the fact the God has forgiven me and is over it; the hardest part, is forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made. The hardest part is getting over it myself.

That night I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and stared at the girl in the mirror. She was frazzled, stressed, eyes heavy laden with lack of sleep, and cheeks stained by trenches dug from countless nights spent crying. I looked that girl in the eyes as more tears carved her tranches deeper. And I told her the sweetest words I have ever spoken to myself. “I forgive you.”

I looked in my own eyes, I saw my own pain and owned those jarring memories and mistakes. “I forgive you Amanda,” I repeated over and over again until I really felt my burden lift. “I forgive you, and I LOVE you!”

I know this might sound absurd, but it was a beautiful moment of release. I’m happy to say I have not had those nightmares since. You see, God is filled with such overwhelming love that He doesn’t have to think twice about forgiving us and releasing us from our sins. But we are broken. Every day we must take up our crosses and choose to be more like Christ. As we grow in our relationships with Christ we too will be filled with His love, and forgiveness will come more easily.

I have sinned and made more mistakes since then. I have wrestled with God and of course, He always wins and every time I am amazed by His forgiveness.

Are you struggling with forgiveness? I want to encourage you to let go of those burdens. Lift them up to God, admit your sins, ask for forgiveness, and let them go. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:19)

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul.

Here is a song called "Suitcases" by Dara Maclean. Please listen, and learn to drop that baggage that's weighing you down. :)

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could easily destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; 

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough:
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa