Love Is Real

I recently wrote a letter to the Pastors and Elders of my church to express my gratitude to them for all they have done for me in the last year, and to share with them all that God has taught me through this very painful time. It was a hard letter to write, but the Holy Spirit granted me the words of my heart. 

After receiving my letter, the pastors called me in tears and asked if I would share my letter with the church on Sunday. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am one of those weirdos that actually enjoys public speaking. But there's something about the pulpit, our large congregation, and bearing my soul that made my palms sweat, my voice quiver and my stomach nauseas.

I walked, knees knocking, up to the stage and before I even began speaking, I was in tears. I read my letter, and sobbed the whole time. It's been a long, hard road, and it's not over. I'm still journeying this path and going through so much. It's difficult to expose your true weaknesses to so many people. But when you do--such a rewarding thing happens--people rally around you, support you, and most importantly: they understand you in a real and true manner. You see, the most impactful thing we can do for Christ is share boldly what He has done for us. Testimonies, emotion, REAL life experiences are what touch hearts and souls. So as hard as it was, it was also incredibly wonderful.

I would like to share my letter with you as well. I hope that it inspires you. I pray that the Spirit would touch your heart. If you are broken or going through a tough time--I hope you will understand what I have gone through, having discovered my husband's alcoholism and addiction to crystal meth (among many other things) and then going through a divorce as he chose to leave me. I want to use my pain to show you that God can heal you too. If He could bring me through this, He can certainly bring you through too...

(Below is my letter)

Dear Pastors,

              I would like to humbly express my gratitude for all of your prayers and love for me throughout this past year. It has been by far the toughest season of my life and still continues to be a daily struggle. As I reflect on the last year and all that the Lord has brought me through, I cannot keep my heart from singing His praise, even through my tears. He has held me together in every moment. He has heard each prayer, wiped away every tear and filled every lonely void in my heart. His presence in my life is undeniable; and, although I have never felt so broken and hurt, I have also never felt so incredibly loved and fulfilled. To the world this makes no sense, but to my soul that has found peace in Christ—nothing has ever been so perfectly clear. Jesus can make anyone whole—even when so many pieces are missing—because He himself is able to become those missing pieces. When I thought I had lost it all, I discovered that I had all I needed in Christ Jesus, the lover of soul, my brother and best friend. It brings me to tears all over again, but this time, they are tears of joy.

              When my husband left me I was, and still am, devastated. As things progressively got worse I began to think that love was a lie; that all I had known about love was untrue. I began to question God’s love. Many people who I thought would be there for me weren't. They didn’t call, or write, or check on me. It was too much drama, too much to handle, too much work. They didn’t know what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all.
            We read that God is love, and that God sent His Son who died for us, and through this we can see His love. We read it, and try our best to believe it. But it’s not until someone shows us, and we experience God’s true love that we actually believe it.

            I want to thank you, and the saints of our amazing church, for showing me what true, Godly, Christ-like love really is. When I had given up on love, God demonstrated His love all around me, through so many people in our church. I received calls, letters, cards, e-mails, visits and more from people who loved me—even people I didn’t know. They wanted me to know that they love me, and more importantly, that God loves me.  Many shared their experiences with me and I began to realize that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through. Even those who didn’t understand what I was going through still knew what to say to me, because they know God’s word.

            I understand now why in James it says to have joy in trials; I understand now how trials create perseverance, hope and faith. When everything fell apart I knew there were two paths before me: I could allow this tragedy to break me and ruin everything, or I could hold fast to Christ and allow it to strengthen me and mold me. It’s obvious what the right path is, but walking it is another story.

            I cannot praise God enough for the love and strength I have found at Rockville Bible Church. You have prayed for me and with me. You have cried for me, and with me. My brothers and sisters made sure I didn’t fall away. Words could never express how God used Mike and Stephanie to change my life and draw me closer to Him. They showed me more love than I have ever known and they refused to let me fall away. My heart overflows with gratitude and sings a new song because of the love I have been shown.

            My friends, family and coworkers kept saying things to me like, “I’m so amazed at how well you’re doing,” and, “How are you getting through this?”

            In December, I came to the church for a movie night and watched Louie Giglio’s sermon “Hope When Life Hurts Most”. It sounded like something I needed to hear. In his sermon he said that the trials in our lives are like megaphones to the world. The way we react tells everyone around us a story. I began to think about my story, and what it’s telling the people around me. I thought about how people kept telling me how good I was doing despite the circumstances. And even though I felt so broken, I realized that God was being glorified through my brokenness. And I came to accept and be thankful for this heartbreak, because through my pain, people were seeing God’s great love moving. They saw love as real thing, able to heal hearts and mend broken lives. I began to finally understand Jesus’ pain, and why He would willingly lay down His own life.

I finally understand that great, great love; the love that glorifies the Father and speaks to the hearts of men through pain and struggles. My life is a megaphone and my trials are not just speaking they are yelling to everyone around me that GOD is bigger than my broken heart, that He has saved me and held me together—and in the end, that makes every fallen tear and every lonely night worth it.

            I praise God for His mercies. I can truly sing now, “This is the day that the LORD has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!” Not only can I sing it, but I actually mean it.

            I am still in so much pain and my heart is still broken. I am still haunted by my broken marriage and crushed by this divorce, but I know now that Jesus is more than enough for me. I read a church sign recently that said “Smooth seas don’t make for skilled sailors,” and I couldn’t stop laughing—because now I understand and am thankful for stormy seas. In my pain and sorrow I have come to know the Lord’s truth and love. Have I mentioned that I’m thankful? Because I just can’t stop saying it! Thank you!!! I love you!

            Even after all these months when others have stopped calling and have forgotten my pain—my brothers and sisters have remained faithful in checking on me and praying for me. As I journey down this path, please continue to pray for me, as I experience the highs and lows and depressions of this trial. I ask also that you to not stop praying for Valentin. Despite all of the pain he has caused, please do not become embittered. I urge you to love and to pray without ceasing for him; having faith that the Lord loves his prodigal son and is awaiting his return.

            I thank you again for showing me such love and grace, and praise God for the work He is doing through you and your ministry. I pray for you often and will continue to do so. Praise God for broken hearts and healed souls; praise God from whom all blessings flow.

            In Christ’s Love,

           

            Amanda

Click here to listen online to the great sermon Pastor Rich gave afterwards about Serving One Another In Love.

Suitcases

I was up all night. My conscience kept me awake like a blaring emergency siren throbbing between my ears. Like Jacob, I wrestled with God all night. (Genesis 32:24-32) And like any other wrestling match I’ve had with God—He won.

I don’t know why we struggle with God when we know He is bigger, stronger and most importantly HE’S RIGHT. I’m a sinner. I make mistakes. I fall flat on my face. The easiest thing to do is to just tell Him we were wrong and we’re sorry.

Sometimes we wrestle because we don’t want to admit we’re wrong, or we just aren’t sorry, or we don’t want to give up our sins. We struggle because He’s convicting our hearts and our first [sinful] reaction is to RUN away from Him. But the amazing thing is: there is no need to run. You see, God knows us. He knew us before we were even born. (Psalm 139) He knew what our strengths and weaknesses would be. He knew us then, He knows us now. He sees everything, and even knows our hearts and thoughts. There is no point in trying to hide our faults and sins. The best thing to do is to humbly come before our God and just say sorry.

Why is it so hard for us to understand that God loves us so deeply that He actually forgives us when we apologize? It’s because we as humans don’t treat each other with that same gift…so we have trouble understanding that God really does wipe the slate clean. He moves on. He doesn’t continually bring up the past. When He says “I forgive you” He means “It is finished.”

Sometimes I have nightmares about the past. I wake up sweating, crying, heart pounding, and my stomach acid churning and torturing me. It took me a long time to figure out the root of my problem. I thought I was being wrecked by all the memories or my broken marriage and all of the traumatic events that happened. After a lot of prayer and reflection, it came to me one night as I wrestled with God. I realized that in my nightmares I was replaying scenes that had actually happened and those scenes weren’t about what he did to me—I was haunted by the things I said, the things I did. It was easy to forgive him. I let it go and moved on. But I had not forgiven myself.

The hardest part of forgiveness (for me) isn’t the fact the God has forgiven me and is over it; the hardest part, is forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made. The hardest part is getting over it myself.

That night I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and stared at the girl in the mirror. She was frazzled, stressed, eyes heavy laden with lack of sleep, and cheeks stained by trenches dug from countless nights spent crying. I looked that girl in the eyes as more tears carved her tranches deeper. And I told her the sweetest words I have ever spoken to myself. “I forgive you.”

I looked in my own eyes, I saw my own pain and owned those jarring memories and mistakes. “I forgive you Amanda,” I repeated over and over again until I really felt my burden lift. “I forgive you, and I LOVE you!”

I know this might sound absurd, but it was a beautiful moment of release. I’m happy to say I have not had those nightmares since. You see, God is filled with such overwhelming love that He doesn’t have to think twice about forgiving us and releasing us from our sins. But we are broken. Every day we must take up our crosses and choose to be more like Christ. As we grow in our relationships with Christ we too will be filled with His love, and forgiveness will come more easily.

I have sinned and made more mistakes since then. I have wrestled with God and of course, He always wins and every time I am amazed by His forgiveness.

Are you struggling with forgiveness? I want to encourage you to let go of those burdens. Lift them up to God, admit your sins, ask for forgiveness, and let them go. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:19)

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul.

Here is a song called "Suitcases" by Dara Maclean. Please listen, and learn to drop that baggage that's weighing you down. :)

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could easily destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; 

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough:
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

The End of Your Rope

I have been so incredibly stressed lately.

You see, my best friend and I have had to move in with my parents during this rather rough transitional period in our lives. It’s not ideal, but we are so very grateful to have a loving family that would take us in—emotional baggage and all. Even though my days are like a roller coaster and the healing process has been hard; I think I’m taking it better than my poor Leila. (By now, I should tell you that Leila is my six-year old black Labrador retriever.) Leila has always had a very independent, wild spirit. She loved living on the ranch. She had 80 acres of open space, a plethora of jack rabbits to chase, horses to run with, and another doggy companion to play with and love.

We have both suffered great loss and change. We moved to the suburbs and she went from 80 acres of freedom to the side of a house, fenced in. I couldn’t take our second dog, so my Leila has also lost her very best friend. I know how she feels. Everything is different now. We’ve lost so much. It’s hard not to focus on all the things you’ve lost—despite of all the wonderful things you do have.

Since the move Leila has become a different dog. She now has severe separation anxiety. She shakes and quivers when I put her outside because she knows it means I will be gone for the next nine hours. Despite heavy anxiety medicines from the vet, she still manages to go crazy. She’s completely chewed through the fence and escaped (twice), she’s learned how to hop the fence (we solved that by moving the trash cans away from the fence), and most recently she has learned to drag extremely heavy cinder blocks away from the fence and dig under the fence. Yeah, she’s very strong willed.

But when she escapes she only runs to the driveway or the front door and simply waits for me to come home. Other times she’s wandered down the paths that we take on our walks. All she wants is to find me. She does whatever she can to seek me. She’s lonely and sad, and during this time when so much is different, I am the one thing that has stayed the same to her—so she will do whatever it takes to get to me.

Wow.
I wish I had that same burning passion for God. To love Him so much that I absolutely need Him. That any time spent wandering away from Him would leave me shaking in sadness because He is my rock, the center of my joy and all that I need to survive. To know that no matter what changes, His love stays the same. What if I pursued a relationship with God in the same manner that my dog tries to seek me? What if I really treated Jesus like my best friend? If I sought Him with exuberant passion and every ounce of strength I had? Wow…I have so much to learn from my dog.

Last night I was in tears over the stress of my poor, anxious and lonely pup. My family is stressed and upset and I am definitely feeling the weight of everyone’s emotions on my shoulders. I was so sad and felt like public enemy number one, hiding in my room with my destructive but oh-so-loving-and-cuddly dog. I prayed to God that He would reveal the solution. That He would give me the strength and knowledge I need. At one point I cried out and said “Lord, I’m at the end of my rope! I just don’t know what to do!” and then I heard him laugh as he smiled and said to me, “Then you need to get a longer rope.”

He has such a good sense of humor, and I heard him loud and clear. “Have patience.” Life might not be ideal, and let’s be honest, it never will be. But that doesn’t mean we throw in the towel and pout and storm around when things are stressful. We shouldn’t give up, ever. I’m not just talking about my dog here people. When life is stressful, when storms are raging and you are blowing around and it seems as though you have lost everything—take a lesson from my dog. Now is not the time to give up; rather, it is time to run faster, dig deeper and seek God with everything you have. Don’t give up, keep seeking him; for it’s in these storms that we need him most. 

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1)

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29)

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13)

Hold Me Together

I recently bought the CD "Black&White" by the band Royal Tailor. I cannot express how much I love this CD! The band's encouraging lyrics accompanied with the upbeat dance music really moves me. I decided to buy this CD after hearing the song "Hold Me Together" on Air1 radio and I'm so glad I did!

The chorus of this song says
"Can you hold me together?
Can your love reach down this far?
Can you hold me together?
Cuz without you holding my heart, I'm falling apart."

This song is me in so many ways. I find strength and courage knowing that He CAN hold us together and His love DOES reach down this far! And yes, without Him we can fall apart, but He loves us so much and He is holding us together so that even when we fall apart, the pieces are still in His hands and He can put us back together. AMEN!

I found this great video on YouTube where the lead singer of Royal Tailor (Tauren Wells) is explaining the meaning behind the song "Hold Me Together". It really inspired me today. The video is below, and below that is the music video of the song. I pray that these inspire and encourage you today. God bless you!

Hope

I don't have much to say today. My soul is filled with joy and grief at the same time. But I am greatly encouraged by the hope that I have in my God. A few days ago I felt so completely broken and sad. I was and am overwhelmed by Christmas this year. Not by the celebration of Christ's birth, but by the magnification of the loss of the one I loved. Oh sad Christmas songs--you and your gleeful melodies and ironically heart breaking lyrics--I never understood you, but oh how tragically I comprehend you now!

I am trying my very best to focus on Christ and the true meaning of Christmas; to keep Him at the center and still find joy in the wonderful holiday. But I must also allow myself to grieve this loss. It is only natural for me to feel lonely at this time.

I was driving and feeling like the weight of this world might just crush my shoulders at any moment. I felt lonely. I was listening to Klove radio and in between songs a man shared a story that made me stop the car and burst into tears. His word gave me such encouragement--such hope--and I want to share that with you too. The man said that although we might be experiencing such incredibly hard times--the fact that we are still breathing and on this earth is proof that God's will is not yet complete for us. Proof that God has marvelous things in store. He said that if God's will is not yet complete for us, that means that the most wonderful best times of our lives are yet to come! So even through these trials we can have HOPE because our great loving God has so much better in store for us!

I just burst into a flood of tears! What a message my soul needed! Times are hard. My heart is broken. I am lonely and sad. BUT...this is NOT the end! I am still here--I am still fighting this battle and living this life! There are so many marvelous things in store for me. Jesus loves me and has planned incredible things for me. To be used to further His kingdom and find fulfillment is it. Wow...thank you Lord!

This is not the end for you either. I don't know where you are today--how you are feeling or what troubles are knocking at your door. But please be encouraged my friends. The LORD your God has gone before you and has planned marvelous things for you. Even through pain and suffering, He will bring great joy--and that is how much He loves us!

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Fortress, I will not be shaken." (Psalm 62:1-2)

This song "My Hope is in You" by Aaron Shust is my song of the day. Please listen and be encouraged! Where is your hope?

My Love Song

Lately I've been getting back into the habit of expressing myself through written word--whether it's blogging, journaling, writing prayers or poetry--I find that I feel most comforted and at peace when I'm writing. Not only that but I learn best when I meditate and write as well. I'd like to share with you a poem/song I wrote a few months ago when my life was in such deep turmoil. I wrote it looking back on all that I had overcome and looking ahead at the wonderful things in store.

My Love Song

I felt so very broken,
As if I were unwhole.
So I searched for missing pieces
To complete my lonely soul.

Although I knew you God,
My struggles still were great.
Constantly tempted to sin,
Turning back far too late.

I walked with you there
In the valley of death.
But did not trust you Lord,
When my faith you did test.

The winds the blew me over.
The skies they darkened black.
The rivers they arose,
With Satan at my back.

And the wind blew harder still,
Bringing me to my knees—
It was there I found you Lord,
It was there I found your peace.

I cried out to you,
For mercy I did plea,
“Deliver me dear Jesus!
My Lord, rescue me!”

The Prince of Peace heard
My brother he answered me.
He gave me the strength I needed
To sail through stormy seas.

The winds and waves they howled,
The father of lies, he hissed.
He tried to make me fall again,
But all his snares did miss.

Let this be my love song,
A true testament of your grace—
Lord, when I did not have the strength,
You equipped me to run the race.

For Jesus, you did prune me,
Of all my fruitless vines.
In Christ Jesus I am rooted
With all His glory divine.

Nurture me and grow me,
My great Immanuel.
You are God of everything,
May my life this story tell.

To Yaweh be the glory
To God and God alone.
I am just a traveler,
This world is not my home.

You’ve set aside a place for me
A home that’s truly mine
When Heaven’s splendor I will see
For all the rest of time.

There will be more storms
Of troubles, I am sure
But Jesus I will follow
My LORD He will endure!