And Then She Spread Her Wings

It was the eve before my big solo trip to the Austrian Alps. I was tired, I was worn, and I was despaired. I went for a run with my dog to refresh my spirit. As the sun dipped behind the rolling green hills, casting shadows upon the earth and painting the sky with miraculous colors—I hit my knees in a wild field. And there amongst the mustard flowers I cried my eyes out. I prayed my heart out. It had been nearly two years, two years since my husband had walked away from me. And yet, still, our divorce was not finalized and I felt the frayed ends of our unraveled relationship were still unraveling me. Desperately I cried out to God to help me move on, to close this chapter, as I had been praying for years.

I prayed, I cried, I prayed, I cried. And then I stood up from that place and dusted dirt clods from my knees, lifted my head to the Heavens and was given a great peace. Single, married, separated—whatever my marital status was—it didn’t matter. What mattered was the woman I had become because of this storm, and the faith that Jesus Christ had grown in me. God had helped me overcome seemingly insurmountable fears through these past two years, and I knew that He had done a miracle in me. I was, and am, a strong, independent, Godly young woman—a statement I could not have made two years ago.

So I walked out of that field with the peace that only the Holy Spirit can give; knowing completely that whether or not our divorce was finalized, it was finalized in my heart and in my spirit.

The next morning I awoke to an email from my lawyer, stating that just the day before, the judge had signed off my divorce, and I was now legally a single woman again. I was utterly amazed. Before I had even hit my knees in the field in faith—God had already moved and finished the work He was doing. Praise God, and all the glory be given to Him! In His perfect wisdom He delivered me and freed me at just the perfect time.

So I set off on a journey of a lifetime, all of sudden my trip to Austria turned into an enormous celebration of the woman I had become and the work that God had done. It was my Independence Day and I spread my wings as far as I could, and I flew. No, I soared. 

My trip had so many unexpected twists and turns. All of my plans fell through. After a few days isolated, alone in the Alps with nothing to do, I decided to make new plans. I packed my bags and headed to Salzburg and found a youth hostel. It was a leap of faith, to say the least. I like my life planned out, safe, predictable. But God, you know Him; He’s always up to something! But boy, did I have a blast! I went on a Sound of Music Tour, went to Vienna, to Bavaria, walked in the snow, went to Easter mass in a historic cathedral, ate and laughed and cried and thanked God for such an adventure.

My last night I sat above the city wall and looked out at the glittering lights and listened to the cathedral bells ringing out all over town, and I cried my eyes out (again). Never have I ever felt so free, so peaceful, so whole. I didn’t want to leave that place. But I knew that greater things were on the horizon for me. God had shown me so much, and even in just that week He showed me that I was braver and stronger than I ever thought I could be. 

So here I sit, four months later, a single young woman, in the blessed process of buying my first home, and eagerly living an abundant life. I am so thankful that God closed that chapter of my life and that He has allowed me to heal and fully move on. Of course, I get lonely sometimes, as any single person does. But I am thankful for the independent spirit God has given me. I know that in His perfect timing He will bring the right man into my life. In the meantime I am determined to live an abundant, adventurous life—the life I am meant to live! Each day is a precious gift that will never come again. Each day is an opportunity to grow and thrive. I am going to live this one, beautiful (sometimes messy and chaotic) life that God has blessed me with—one day at a time—with a grateful heart and my eyes set firmly and securely on Jesus.

A Life Without Fear: The Year of Adventure!

I was 23 years old when my husband of seven months left me. I had just begun my life, and yet it was over at the same time. The earth and everything I held dear crumbled beneath my feet. I was shattered. I was broken. I was alone, and I was lonely. I looked at my past and thought, “How did I ever end up here?” I looked at my ghastly circumstances and pondered, “What am I doing?” and then hopelessly wondered, “Where am I going?”

The truth is—I had accepted Jesus Christ into my heart and life when I was 18 years old, but I wasn’t living for Him. (I certainly thought I was at the time, but that’s the funny thing about time, you see things so differently in retrospect.) I prayed and asked for things, but I didn’t really believe they would happen. I went to church and enjoyed it. I went on mission trips and at times was on fire with passion, but my flames always smoldered. I overslept instead of reading my Bible. I overslept on spiritual growth. I ignored the things God wanted and instead replaced them with things I wanted—after all, this is my life. I built my life around the man I loved, and who loved me…or so I thought. He was my foundation. He was my rock. He was the center of my happiness.

 He was also the chain around my neck that ultimately sunk me and anchored me to the dark and murky depths of depression, to which I was tethered for a grueling 12 months.

I was a house built on sand. When the storms came, I was beaten, ripped to pieces, my foundation creaked and moaned. My boards splintered, my beams broke. Every piece of me was washed away and destroyed. And there I stood, in the middle of the storm, completely exposed.

Sometimes God only needs to remodel you: add a little paint, maybe even strip off the last layer first, lay down new floors, and add some décor. But not me. My spirit was a house condemned. “Not fit to live in,” said the sign across the door of my heart. God knew the work that needed to be done. Not even my foundation could be salvaged. 

So he ripped it down. All of it. He ripped it away. It was tragic, it was painful, it was horrible. And yet, it was freeing, it was beautiful, it was a relief. In the year that followed, I suffered through muddy depressions and struggled to figure out who I was. What do I like to do with my time? What kind of woman am I? Is this who I want to be? 

Then God began to rebuild. He carefully chose a solid Rock foundation (Himself), and lovingly selected each beam, and he built me anew: a completely different design. I am a new woman. I have a renewed love and vigor for Jesus Christ and His ministry of love. My past is gone, and here I am, stronger than ever because of the nightmares that I have endured. God had to rip down everything I had built by my own selfish desires, and he had to rebuild me from the ground up, to be the woman he always planned for me to be.

And Dear Lord, oh how I am thankful; thankful for the searing pain, and for the healing. I know God is a God of compassion and that he truly does bind up the broken hearted. I know, for he has healed my broken heart.

As I reflected on the year 2012, I say goodbye to it with both exasperation and happiness. There was good, and there was very bad. There was pain, and there was joy. I had finally begun to live my life, and not only so, but I dared to even enjoy it too! I thought about my humble circumstances, how far I had come, and what lies ahead in the future.

The last year and a half have been a sojourn to say the least. I realized that over the years, I had somehow spun a web of fear in my mind so thick that I had convinced myself that there were invisible limits on my life. “I can’t do this!” I would say. “I cannot do that!” Echoed my mind. “I’m too scared!” “I might be hurt.” “I can’t do it alone.”

LIES. All of it. Satan’s whispers in my ears, deceiving me as if it were my own voice reasoning with myself. Convincing me of a long list of things I could not do. I couldn’t have fun. I couldn’t go out. I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t do so many things.

Well I’m done with can’ts. I’m done with a life that is limited to the boring and safe. I am done being controlled by fear. I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH! (Philippians 4:13) Obviously the long list of fears and “can’ts” that I had constructed over the years were a lie. 

So I made a decision. I decided to live a life without fear. There is no more room for fear in my heart. There is no more room at all. Christ died so that I may have life, and not only that, but so I would enjoy it. Every day that speeds by will never come again. It is time to live this life that I have been blessed with. It is time to step out of the door…and go on a few of adventures. 

So this is it, 2013: The Year of Adventures! I have made a list of things I have always been too afraid to do, or have somehow convinced myself that I could not do. I am going to check those things off my list. Cross them off with great satisfaction and joy. I am going to live this beautiful life that God gave me, with Him leading the way, and guiding me. I choose to walk in love and joy (even when sadness comes my way) and seek the adventure and fun in each opportunity.

Join me friends, in laying down your fears, taking up your crosses and living the purposeful lives that you were made for. You won’t regret it.

Adventure #1: January 6^th, 2013 –Skydiving

I cry at the top of roller coasters. Yes. It’s true; I really am that much of a wimp. Or should I say used to be. 

Today, my best friend of 16 years and I drove to NorCal Skydiving in Cloverdale, CA and took the plunge. I was ecstatic. There wasn’t one moment that I was afraid. I was overjoyed. I loved the plane ride up; I loved the jump, the freefall, the landing. I have never in my life felt so peaceful and serene as I was when freefalling and looking over the glorious beauty of the land.

It was a perfect adventure, and something I had convinced myself was far too dangerous and scary for the likes of me. As we floated down my instructor laughed as I told him how it was nothing like I had nightmares about. He said to me, “You are afraid of things you don’t know anything about! How can you be afraid of something you’ve never done?” And Jimmy was right. How can I fear something I have not done? For years I limited myself, and yet here I was careening down to the earth from 13,000 in the air, tears ripping from my eyes and the biggest smile on my face and my heart. I didn’t even scream.

Today was the best birthday ever. 

Here’s to a life without fear.

Here’s to adventures!