Suitcases

I was up all night. My conscience kept me awake like a blaring emergency siren throbbing between my ears. Like Jacob, I wrestled with God all night. (Genesis 32:24-32) And like any other wrestling match I’ve had with God—He won.

I don’t know why we struggle with God when we know He is bigger, stronger and most importantly HE’S RIGHT. I’m a sinner. I make mistakes. I fall flat on my face. The easiest thing to do is to just tell Him we were wrong and we’re sorry.

Sometimes we wrestle because we don’t want to admit we’re wrong, or we just aren’t sorry, or we don’t want to give up our sins. We struggle because He’s convicting our hearts and our first [sinful] reaction is to RUN away from Him. But the amazing thing is: there is no need to run. You see, God knows us. He knew us before we were even born. (Psalm 139) He knew what our strengths and weaknesses would be. He knew us then, He knows us now. He sees everything, and even knows our hearts and thoughts. There is no point in trying to hide our faults and sins. The best thing to do is to humbly come before our God and just say sorry.

Why is it so hard for us to understand that God loves us so deeply that He actually forgives us when we apologize? It’s because we as humans don’t treat each other with that same gift…so we have trouble understanding that God really does wipe the slate clean. He moves on. He doesn’t continually bring up the past. When He says “I forgive you” He means “It is finished.”

Sometimes I have nightmares about the past. I wake up sweating, crying, heart pounding, and my stomach acid churning and torturing me. It took me a long time to figure out the root of my problem. I thought I was being wrecked by all the memories or my broken marriage and all of the traumatic events that happened. After a lot of prayer and reflection, it came to me one night as I wrestled with God. I realized that in my nightmares I was replaying scenes that had actually happened and those scenes weren’t about what he did to me—I was haunted by the things I said, the things I did. It was easy to forgive him. I let it go and moved on. But I had not forgiven myself.

The hardest part of forgiveness (for me) isn’t the fact the God has forgiven me and is over it; the hardest part, is forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made. The hardest part is getting over it myself.

That night I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and stared at the girl in the mirror. She was frazzled, stressed, eyes heavy laden with lack of sleep, and cheeks stained by trenches dug from countless nights spent crying. I looked that girl in the eyes as more tears carved her tranches deeper. And I told her the sweetest words I have ever spoken to myself. “I forgive you.”

I looked in my own eyes, I saw my own pain and owned those jarring memories and mistakes. “I forgive you Amanda,” I repeated over and over again until I really felt my burden lift. “I forgive you, and I LOVE you!”

I know this might sound absurd, but it was a beautiful moment of release. I’m happy to say I have not had those nightmares since. You see, God is filled with such overwhelming love that He doesn’t have to think twice about forgiving us and releasing us from our sins. But we are broken. Every day we must take up our crosses and choose to be more like Christ. As we grow in our relationships with Christ we too will be filled with His love, and forgiveness will come more easily.

I have sinned and made more mistakes since then. I have wrestled with God and of course, He always wins and every time I am amazed by His forgiveness.

Are you struggling with forgiveness? I want to encourage you to let go of those burdens. Lift them up to God, admit your sins, ask for forgiveness, and let them go. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:19)

Be encouraged my friends, be encouraged my soul.

Here is a song called "Suitcases" by Dara Maclean. Please listen, and learn to drop that baggage that's weighing you down. :)

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could easily destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; 

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough:
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

The End of Your Rope

I have been so incredibly stressed lately.

You see, my best friend and I have had to move in with my parents during this rather rough transitional period in our lives. It’s not ideal, but we are so very grateful to have a loving family that would take us in—emotional baggage and all. Even though my days are like a roller coaster and the healing process has been hard; I think I’m taking it better than my poor Leila. (By now, I should tell you that Leila is my six-year old black Labrador retriever.) Leila has always had a very independent, wild spirit. She loved living on the ranch. She had 80 acres of open space, a plethora of jack rabbits to chase, horses to run with, and another doggy companion to play with and love.

We have both suffered great loss and change. We moved to the suburbs and she went from 80 acres of freedom to the side of a house, fenced in. I couldn’t take our second dog, so my Leila has also lost her very best friend. I know how she feels. Everything is different now. We’ve lost so much. It’s hard not to focus on all the things you’ve lost—despite of all the wonderful things you do have.

Since the move Leila has become a different dog. She now has severe separation anxiety. She shakes and quivers when I put her outside because she knows it means I will be gone for the next nine hours. Despite heavy anxiety medicines from the vet, she still manages to go crazy. She’s completely chewed through the fence and escaped (twice), she’s learned how to hop the fence (we solved that by moving the trash cans away from the fence), and most recently she has learned to drag extremely heavy cinder blocks away from the fence and dig under the fence. Yeah, she’s very strong willed.

But when she escapes she only runs to the driveway or the front door and simply waits for me to come home. Other times she’s wandered down the paths that we take on our walks. All she wants is to find me. She does whatever she can to seek me. She’s lonely and sad, and during this time when so much is different, I am the one thing that has stayed the same to her—so she will do whatever it takes to get to me.

Wow.
I wish I had that same burning passion for God. To love Him so much that I absolutely need Him. That any time spent wandering away from Him would leave me shaking in sadness because He is my rock, the center of my joy and all that I need to survive. To know that no matter what changes, His love stays the same. What if I pursued a relationship with God in the same manner that my dog tries to seek me? What if I really treated Jesus like my best friend? If I sought Him with exuberant passion and every ounce of strength I had? Wow…I have so much to learn from my dog.

Last night I was in tears over the stress of my poor, anxious and lonely pup. My family is stressed and upset and I am definitely feeling the weight of everyone’s emotions on my shoulders. I was so sad and felt like public enemy number one, hiding in my room with my destructive but oh-so-loving-and-cuddly dog. I prayed to God that He would reveal the solution. That He would give me the strength and knowledge I need. At one point I cried out and said “Lord, I’m at the end of my rope! I just don’t know what to do!” and then I heard him laugh as he smiled and said to me, “Then you need to get a longer rope.”

He has such a good sense of humor, and I heard him loud and clear. “Have patience.” Life might not be ideal, and let’s be honest, it never will be. But that doesn’t mean we throw in the towel and pout and storm around when things are stressful. We shouldn’t give up, ever. I’m not just talking about my dog here people. When life is stressful, when storms are raging and you are blowing around and it seems as though you have lost everything—take a lesson from my dog. Now is not the time to give up; rather, it is time to run faster, dig deeper and seek God with everything you have. Don’t give up, keep seeking him; for it’s in these storms that we need him most. 

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1)

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29)

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13)

Hold Me Together

I recently bought the CD "Black&White" by the band Royal Tailor. I cannot express how much I love this CD! The band's encouraging lyrics accompanied with the upbeat dance music really moves me. I decided to buy this CD after hearing the song "Hold Me Together" on Air1 radio and I'm so glad I did!

The chorus of this song says
"Can you hold me together?
Can your love reach down this far?
Can you hold me together?
Cuz without you holding my heart, I'm falling apart."

This song is me in so many ways. I find strength and courage knowing that He CAN hold us together and His love DOES reach down this far! And yes, without Him we can fall apart, but He loves us so much and He is holding us together so that even when we fall apart, the pieces are still in His hands and He can put us back together. AMEN!

I found this great video on YouTube where the lead singer of Royal Tailor (Tauren Wells) is explaining the meaning behind the song "Hold Me Together". It really inspired me today. The video is below, and below that is the music video of the song. I pray that these inspire and encourage you today. God bless you!

Hope

I don't have much to say today. My soul is filled with joy and grief at the same time. But I am greatly encouraged by the hope that I have in my God. A few days ago I felt so completely broken and sad. I was and am overwhelmed by Christmas this year. Not by the celebration of Christ's birth, but by the magnification of the loss of the one I loved. Oh sad Christmas songs--you and your gleeful melodies and ironically heart breaking lyrics--I never understood you, but oh how tragically I comprehend you now!

I am trying my very best to focus on Christ and the true meaning of Christmas; to keep Him at the center and still find joy in the wonderful holiday. But I must also allow myself to grieve this loss. It is only natural for me to feel lonely at this time.

I was driving and feeling like the weight of this world might just crush my shoulders at any moment. I felt lonely. I was listening to Klove radio and in between songs a man shared a story that made me stop the car and burst into tears. His word gave me such encouragement--such hope--and I want to share that with you too. The man said that although we might be experiencing such incredibly hard times--the fact that we are still breathing and on this earth is proof that God's will is not yet complete for us. Proof that God has marvelous things in store. He said that if God's will is not yet complete for us, that means that the most wonderful best times of our lives are yet to come! So even through these trials we can have HOPE because our great loving God has so much better in store for us!

I just burst into a flood of tears! What a message my soul needed! Times are hard. My heart is broken. I am lonely and sad. BUT...this is NOT the end! I am still here--I am still fighting this battle and living this life! There are so many marvelous things in store for me. Jesus loves me and has planned incredible things for me. To be used to further His kingdom and find fulfillment is it. Wow...thank you Lord!

This is not the end for you either. I don't know where you are today--how you are feeling or what troubles are knocking at your door. But please be encouraged my friends. The LORD your God has gone before you and has planned marvelous things for you. Even through pain and suffering, He will bring great joy--and that is how much He loves us!

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Fortress, I will not be shaken." (Psalm 62:1-2)

This song "My Hope is in You" by Aaron Shust is my song of the day. Please listen and be encouraged! Where is your hope?

My Love Song

Lately I've been getting back into the habit of expressing myself through written word--whether it's blogging, journaling, writing prayers or poetry--I find that I feel most comforted and at peace when I'm writing. Not only that but I learn best when I meditate and write as well. I'd like to share with you a poem/song I wrote a few months ago when my life was in such deep turmoil. I wrote it looking back on all that I had overcome and looking ahead at the wonderful things in store.

My Love Song

I felt so very broken,
As if I were unwhole.
So I searched for missing pieces
To complete my lonely soul.

Although I knew you God,
My struggles still were great.
Constantly tempted to sin,
Turning back far too late.

I walked with you there
In the valley of death.
But did not trust you Lord,
When my faith you did test.

The winds the blew me over.
The skies they darkened black.
The rivers they arose,
With Satan at my back.

And the wind blew harder still,
Bringing me to my knees—
It was there I found you Lord,
It was there I found your peace.

I cried out to you,
For mercy I did plea,
“Deliver me dear Jesus!
My Lord, rescue me!”

The Prince of Peace heard
My brother he answered me.
He gave me the strength I needed
To sail through stormy seas.

The winds and waves they howled,
The father of lies, he hissed.
He tried to make me fall again,
But all his snares did miss.

Let this be my love song,
A true testament of your grace—
Lord, when I did not have the strength,
You equipped me to run the race.

For Jesus, you did prune me,
Of all my fruitless vines.
In Christ Jesus I am rooted
With all His glory divine.

Nurture me and grow me,
My great Immanuel.
You are God of everything,
May my life this story tell.

To Yaweh be the glory
To God and God alone.
I am just a traveler,
This world is not my home.

You’ve set aside a place for me
A home that’s truly mine
When Heaven’s splendor I will see
For all the rest of time.

There will be more storms
Of troubles, I am sure
But Jesus I will follow
My LORD He will endure!

Trust

TRUST—it’s much more than just a four letter word; it’s an action, it’s a feeling. It’s deep and personal. At times it’s easy to do. But once you’ve been burned, it can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Broken trust doesn’t just affect one relationship, but can affect every relationship you will ever have.

 So the question is: once your trust has been destroyed by someone, how can you learn to ever trust anyone again? 

Of course I have struggled with this very problem over the last few months. The issue of trust is on my heart every day. It surges through my brain, racks my body with anxiety and eats away at me. I have come face-to-face with the most devastating realization; that the very closest relationship I’ve ever had was based entirely on lies. 

I won’t go into details about my deteriorated marriage or even my heart breaking divorce. This blog isn’t about him, it’s about me. And up until six months or so ago, he was a part of me—and to some extent he still is—but that part is fading and I am learning how to be just Amanda once again. So like I’ve said before, and will reemphasize now, this blog is about my personal journey, my relationship with Christ. Like an ebbing tide there are highs and lows. I desire to meditate on my struggles and to learn from them and grow in Christ through this personal reflection. Although I might address “you”, I am also addressing myself—talking to myself, if you will—and God is teaching me through this. It is my prayer He is teaching you, too.

 So here I am God, standing amongst the rubble and still smoking ashes of what used to be me, my marriage and my life. You’ve taught me about trials and that sometimes we have to burn back down to the beginning and start over. I know you’ve never hurt me, but the consequences of my own sins and the consequences of someone elses sins have hurt me so deeply that I’m struggling to trust anyone, including you. I know you don’t deserve it. Forgive me for doubting. Teach me to trust you, and others once again. Let no bitterness take root in my heart. My trust was burned in this fire. And like many other things, it has to grow from seed once again. So God I ask you, grow only what is pure, what is good in your site. Make me new in you, and help me to start over. Amen.

 Is this a prayer you can relate to? I know I’m not the only one struggling with trust. Especially us women, when we are hurt we tend to punish everyone for it. I want to walk in love and look forward to a bright future, not wallow in the past and lose great opportunities because I can’t let go of what happened to me. But seriously, how do I trust again?  

I’ve been giving this issue a lot of thought, prayer and study. I think the first step to learning to trust anyone, is learning to trust God. 

Maybe you think you already do. That it’s not God you don’t trust, but other people. I used to think that too, in fact, I used to say that to my husband all the time as an excuse for my behavior and attitude. “It’s not God I don’t trust, it’s you!!” I would scream at the top of my lungs as we fought and argued. And sometimes, that may be the cold hard truth. Maybe you are trusting God but the person you are having a relationship with has been very untrustworthy—but hold on right there! Don’t you dare think for one minute that this lack of trust won’t try to weasel its way into your relationship with your heavenly Father as well! 

When someone has broken your bond of trust you begin to doubt not only your relationship with them but with everyone else around you. If this person was capable of dishonesty and disloyalty—what’s to say everyone else isn’t capable of the same thing? 

The truth is: as human beings we all posses the ability to break each others trust. We are all sinful by nature, we all fall short. (Romans 3:23) On the contrary, God our Father is not even capable of sinning. He isn’t even able to do it. No way, no how. So if God can’t sin, then he can’t break a promise, he can’t be disloyal, he can’t lie, he can’t steal, he can’t cheat, he can’t gossip. God cannot sin! Therefore, if God cannot do these things, then he cannot betray your trust. His word is solid, unchanging. It is real, it is true and a relationship you can always count on. In a fire, God is the base of that tree trunk—the rest of you may burn away but the base is still there, rooted, standing firm and ready to keep on growing.

 So if God is so good, even though our circumstances may not be good, still—how do we learn to trust? Well, we know He cannot sin, and if we dig into the Bible we will see He has a pretty darn good track record of reliability.  

One of my favorite stories—or books, rather—of the Bible is the Exodus, the story of how God delivered His beloved people out of slavery. God’s people had become slaves in Egypt. They were greatly oppressed by Pharaoh. As the years passed, they began to think that their Lord had forgotten them, had forsaken them. They were beaten, killed, mistreated, raped, in danger each day. Little did they know, that as the years passed, God was preparing the path to victory for them. Each day as their spirits were burdened, young Israelite Moses found favor in the kingdom. Until one day God called Moses to plead with Pharaoh and lead his people out of slavery. Finally after devastating and fatal plagues Pharaoh let them go, only to quickly change his mind and chase the Israelites throughout the desert. But even then, God provided great miracles to deliver them from the clutches of the Egyptians. The waters of the seas parted, he guided them as a great cloud during the day, and a fire ball by night; when they were hungry he provided manna from Heaven and quail for them to eat—through every storm, every trial, every heartbreak, through slavery and even 40 years spent wandering in the desert—Yahweh, the great I AM provided for his beloved chosen people. When they questioned him, when they turned away from him—he still loved them, he brought them back, he reminded them about his goodness and mercy.

This story always makes me cry. I love the Exodus. I love to see the promises fulfilled. When I read how quickly the Israelites turned against God even after he had just delivered them from slavery, I am reminded of myself. How quickly after a trial do I forget my grief and pain? How quickly we fall back into the sins that got us where we were—and yet, God our father loves us so deeply, so truly, so faithfully, so completely and utterly unconditionally that he continually goes as far as it takes, even forty years in a desert, even death on a cross—to show us, that no matter the situation, our great God provides!

Can I get an AMEN?!

This is only one example of God keeping His word; of God pouring out mercy, love and compassion; of God healing the broken when sin had left them in chains. You see, even when we get ourselves in bad situations, or when others lead us into bad circumstances and bad things happen to us—God goes out of His way to bring us back to Him. 

So we can see throughout history that God’s word is good-you can take Him to the bank, so to speak—but STILL, how come it is so hard to trust Him? He won’t let you down, he won’t hurt you. It doesn’t mean that hard times won’t come and it doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt. But it is imperative to understand that when you are hurt—it’s not God’s fault. It might be our own, it might be someone else’s, it might just be an accident, but you can rest assured that you can trust in God. 

Let’s think about trust—what is it? Well, in order to trust someone, you have to let them in. You have to give them a piece of you; whether it’s deep and personal or something simple, you have to let them in. And once you’ve been hurt and betrayed it becomes really hard to let someone in. But you can’t live your life in loneliness and punish yourself (and everyone else) because of the hurt you once experienced. You have to allow yourself to become vulnerable. And by letting someone in, not only are you allowing them to get closer to you—but you also relinquish a measure of control.  

Ahhh…so that’s where the real root of distrust lies—in our eternal struggle to be in control. You see, we were never meant to be in control, God is in control! And yet we constantly struggle, trying to grasp what is already in His hand. We worry, we stress, we lose sleep, we become depressed, we struggle. And every time we do one of these things, what we are really saying is, “God, I don’t trust you to take care of this situation, so I’m taking it into my own hands.” And because we try to take from God what we can’t—we struggle.

So if you are ready to turn your life around—to trust God—to let Him in, to find relief from your suffering, then you must let go of the rope and stop pulling in this losing battle of tug-a-war. Stop trying to snatch what is firmly in God’s grasp! Relinquish control, surrender to God. Then and only then will you even begin to break down the walls you’ve built around your heart and let Him—and everyone else—in.  

You can trust God—you can let Him in and tell Him anything and everything. By trusting God to be in control of your life you will be able to take small steps in trusting others again too. Practice discernment and be wary of the people that you trust—but never ever worry about trusting God. He made you, He knows you and He will not hurt you. He loves you, and unlike the world—His love is unconditional.  

Even little children sing and understand that after all…He’s got the whole world in His hands!

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11